The LesbosBuyaRadiator...

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

We needed a heater. Well, I don't know how much I need one, with the rate at which I am consumed by the Hot and Bitchies (my pet name for my Heat Flashes). But it is December and my Wife, she needed a heater.

Our houses are built to keep in the cool air…A good thing in a Mediterranean climate…but with the winter upon us – well, the house is just too cold to sit in during the day without a winter coat – which makes working on the computer – and doing anything else indoors, a bit of a challenge. So, after doing a wee bit of on line research, off we went to get a radiator.

Radiator…in my mind the word radiator conjures up all kinds of weird and fantasia-like images. I imagine an apartment in Brooklyn, with the radiator clanging as the heat is finally turned on. I imagine a beautiful old house in the city, with the radiator painted green to match the walls. My mind then wonders off to hearths, fireplaces and gas heaters and hot soup, deliciously made by my Wife's loving hands.

Now I am just hungry. And even a bit cold. What was I writing about? Oh, yeah, the radiator expedition. So we went out to do our morning errands. I couldn't find the number 2 on the ATM machine, so after 3 tries the machine 'swallowed' my card. Bon Appetite.  Apparently the ATM was thinking about something warm and tasty too, got hungry and greedily ate my card…

Back to the heater…My Wife and I go into the local electrical appliance shop. We say that we are looking for a radiator. The salesman says that they have only two brands; one, well-made (in theory…a theory which we intend to test) and a less expensive, not so good brand. We are surprised that in the middle of the winter they only have these two but after some discussion, we decide to splurge on the better seeming one of the two.

We go to pay. We've shopped in this store before, so the salesman says that they 'have us on record.' At least they say they do. They actually have my Wife on record -but with the wrong name, the wrong address and the wrong phone number…but who's to say that this is not really her anyway? After some convincing, the salesman's boss instructs him to change her details in the computer (for some reason, this was not part of the 'keep the customer happy' instruction that the salesman has obviously been to. How do I know he went to a 'keep the customer happy' course? Well, as we were paying, I notice two other brands of radiators. When I ask about these, the salesman replies that, "they don't really work, so I didn‎'t tell you about them. They just run on air. "

I see, I say and then burst into hysterical fits of Hot and Bitchy laughter. My Wife asks the salesman, "If they don't work, why do you keep them in the store? "

"We have to. Somebody may want them anyway" he says…

I am giggly like a mad cow the whole way home.  And now for the soup…

 

Rescinded~~LesbosOnTheCouch to be Recognized, Part I and 3/4

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

So…my Love and I, that is to say, my Wife and I went today to the Internal Ministry to get registered as married on our identification papers.  There is a bit more paper work than we originally thought. We need to get an Atilis or and Atalit or was it an Astelles or A Stella or maybe it was an Apostle?  – No it was an Apostille… What? That's right, an apostille. An apostille is a certification issued by the legal authorities of a state certifying that a document issued by the state is official, authentic and issued by the legal authorities.…

Isn't that amazing? – we are able to get recognized as married in the State of Israel…I am amazed…after all, people love to tell us that we live in a backward,  third world country…but when it comes to us LesbosOnTheCouch, we are able to be who we are.

I have to admit it was a bit frustrating not being able to get it done on the spot and finding out we do have to go and get some more paper work done…but it can be done and it will be done. We are accepted here.

Whew--- I don't know what I would have done if it wasn't accepted. Truly, after reading about all the struggles around the world to be accepted…I am relieved that I live in a place where I can be me.

I guess I don't have much to say today. It was a hard week around the world…although it is a cliché – a little love and acceptance goes a very long way. And guns--- wouldn't be necessary if we could all remember to love.- But there are others who have said it so much better...

"All the particles of the World are in Love and looking for Lovers."
~Rumi

"In the blackest of your moments, wait with no fear."
~Rumi

The Girdle - Gramma's or My Own?

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

The Girdle

Sometimes I feel like my life is being lived inside a girdle…you know the kind – the things that our grams used to wear- and that even I wore for ''in honor'' of my son's nuptials…(who am I, my Gram? I wish! Is that where all this came from? My Gram or the girdle?)

What does it mean to live inside a girdle? Well, it is definitely not as fun as living inside a chocolate mousse. Although living inside a chocolate mousse might eventually necessitate living inside a girdle…unless all I did was live inside the mousse without eating it…That would require a good amount of disassociation. I can do that!

My therapist used to tell me that I was the 'queen of disassociation'…I could disassociate, not feel or react to anything…She rejoiced with me as she/we tore that wall down and I began to feel and see and express the things that I had been avoiding…

Now, some 20 years later, I feel like I need to have a girdle. So I bought one to wear for the occasion. It held my belly and butt in place and I didn't jiggle at all! All was well – the occasion was over and no jiggling or inappropriate age behavior occurred. The girdle served its purpose. The girdle was soft and strong and sturdy…A lover's dream…the girdle was soft and safe and held me together… Held me together all to well -now I think I want to live inside this girdle. It is a bit tight and way too snug for comfort –but if I hold my self well enough it is quite bearable.

I am afraid that if I 'let myself out ' of the girdle I don't know what will become of me. With the girdle, I am now...the me that everybody 'knows' and the me that some of us love…What if the person that bursts out of that girdle is gruff and mean and a loud bitchy lesbian instead of the quiet unassuming giggly one?…What if I am not fun to be around? What if I have opinions that make people angry? What if I disagree with allot of people? What if I tell them that I disagree with them? What if I don't want to be nice to everyone? What if the person who I become is a truly bitchy bitch who has lots of anger that needs to be shouted out…What if coming out of that girdle means that I want to shout and be angry?  And then, what if I want to shout and be angry but I still can't find the voice for that anger? What if I can't do this? What if?

Maybe I'll just stay here inside the girdle for a while longer…after all – there are a whole lot of angry people out there. The world does not need another one…certainly not another bitchy, angry lesbian – on or off the couch…

Good nite!

Lesbos Journey to the Others' Land

LesbosOnTheCouchby Beth C, one of the Lesbos

Here I am…it is winter…it has already been such an eventful winter filled with so much emotion.

My eldest son got married ---as you may have heard -to the most amazing woman…I love their love. I love them. I am so happy for them and feel them so blessed…

The wedding of my eldest son ---the day took forever…the choosing of the day…the making plans, the where and when and when again…finally we are off…

Our Journey to my Other's land….

We started off in Atlanta – a visit to my brother was the first stop…my Love and I, my Wife (now twice married to me – more on that later…) disembarked at the wonderful Atlanta International Airport…International – really? So sophisticated they are in Atlanta…As we headed for passport control, we approached the booth together. This is what we do. This is what all married couples do in all civilized countries…

Are you two related? asks the MAN

We are married. I answer.

He looks at me. He looks at my wife.

You get back behind the line ma'am…He says shaking his head and pointing at me.

He takes my Wife's passport and processes her entry into the Great United States of America, Atlanta version.

Next he shouts when he's finished with her and sees her passport in order. As I approach his booth…again…She waits for me at the end of his booth…

Move along – he waves her off ---move along…

I guess Atlanta and Ahmed the Dinner Jacket have more in common then they know.

2 

I do not like to travel. I hate to fly…I do like to be away from home…but this was different…My eldest was having his wedding and not Hurricane Sandy, not a bunch of gun toting, gay –phobic, southern crazies and not anything was going to stop this from happening with us there…THEY were getting married ---and we were going to be there…so there we went…we're off to Houston Texas, the wonderful world of Oz…where everything is so polite and smiley that even the stewards on the plane looked like plastic…

We are sorry miss, we've over booked the flight and we have no room for your luggage, says the sugary sweet and plastic flight attendant. You can send your luggage on a later flight.

Huh? I say, my son is getting married and the wedding gifts are staying with me.

Well then, you can also take a later flight with your luggage, says the same sugary plastic flight attendant.

Maybe you don't understand, I reply, equally sweet and sugary, my son is getting married- I’m the mother of the groom!!! We ordered and paid for these tickets and our luggage 6 months ago. We and our luggage are staying on this flight!

Well then ma'am, maybe you want to ask these people already seated to move their things from the compartments above…

Now, I have seen this before. The sugary sweet, blond and steely blue eyed All American flight attendants had never met me before.

Sure, I say. Okay, I say…and begin opening up the overhead compartments, removing coats, computer bags and anything smaller then several loaves of bread.

Who does this belong to? I say with each item I bring down. As my fellow passengers answer slowly and with a combined vocalization of fear mixed with much hesitation; I say without hesitation and with the absolute certainty of my just place on this earth, no matter what these southerners think…Are you willing to put this between your legs so that I can get to my son's wedding?

Much to the credit of my fellow passengers, each of them took their possessions and allowed me my preordained and already paid for space…and we flew, almost without additional incident, to Houston, Texas for the wedding…I say almost, because the moving of the luggage caused me to injure myself and bleed all over….Well, if the flight attendants where docile until that point, the sight of my blood sent them into an absolute tizzy of movement and they actually brought me – a BANDAID!!! How great is that!

3

Texas, here we are!!!

 

My son and his fiancé decided to get married in her mother's Buddhist Temple.

We went to this wedding – my Love and I. It was in Texas. That is right – LesbosOnTheCouch spent an entire amazing week in Texas! Luckily, we were accepted and welcomed by my new daughter's family…I didn't feel weird at all…well, no more weird than usual. They were wonderful and accepting…Yes folks, even in Texas, there can be acceptance.

We did the whole wedding thing…we helped the new couple prepare for the wedding – we got our mannies (although why they are called this is beyond me – there was not a single 'manni' in the place – just us gals!) I wanted to get my nails turquoise, but the maid of honor said that wasn't age appropriate (I didn't know that at fifty there is such a thing…was there a danger of swallowing the smaller turquoise color nails?) Anyway, after a few mimosas, the color didn't really matter to me…as long as it was shiny (My bad!). So, the lovely grey color (age appropriate and matches everything) was soon covered with many, many layers of glitter…apparently glitter is the new fifty for groom's moms…

The Groom's moms…yes, there were certainly enough of us!!! Three to be exact!!!

My son's mom and her wife (the LesbosOnTheCouch) came a few days early to meet my new daughter's family and help with the arrangements.

My son's dad and his lovely Haitian wife and their beautiful infant son (my sons' half-brother) came as well. During the wedding, they walked down the aisle before me and my wife.

My new daughter's mom and her brother walked down the aisle after us.

Then the groom, my son walked down the aisle followed by his best man and brother, followed by his groomsmen …

Then the bridesmaids and then the bride and her dad…

The walk down the aisle was exceptionally colorful if not exceedingly long…my poor son had to wait through an eternity of moms and dads until his beloved finally arrived!

I have never seen such a lovely wedding. I have never seen such a beautiful couple…with such wonderful love surrounding them! And the Venerable…If I was uncertain of the ceremony….I was at home with the ceremony and his words…Respect and love…those are the keys….

It was all so beautiful. I've never been to a Buddhist wedding before. It was all about respect and love…about caring for one another…about acceptance and about life...The monks, the words, the music the colors…It is my prayer for them that all that was said remains with them always.

4

NYC

We have arrived…our Plan Of Action – to have fun and to get married in city hall…WE DID IT….and it was beautiful.

After my son's wedding, in a somewhat less extravagant but equally meaningful (for us anyway), my Love and I tied the knot again. This time we wed in an ''official civil service'' courtesy of the state of New York. My son and daughter (I love saying that) and terrific friend came with us as the State of New York proclaimed us official…Officially wed, we are…the LesbosOnTheCouch! For all of you out there, struggling with this action, take heart…the ceremony was significant, but our love is what prevails, legal or not.

True- I almost screwed it up – didn't have enough numbers in my paperwork….and the bureaucracy almost did us in… my love, my wife and one of my oldest friends discussed their mutual ''dislike'' of people (as they sat together on the couch waiting for our turn to exchange our vows of eternal love – apparently of each other alone.

With all of this wedding and love and celebration…this trip was not without sorrow. The terrible flooding by hurricane Sandy just the week before and the war at home, Pillar of Cloud, while we wed in New York. Sadness and apprehension overshadowing our adventure…The world outside our own persons and relationships always finds a way to sneak in, one way or another.

What else did we do? We saw the off Broadway play – Five Lesbians and a Quiche. We went to the MET and MOMA…we walked and walked, we rode the subway and walked some more. We visited the places we hadn't seen and some we have…we ate, we drank…we played, we cried…we loved, we sang, we danced and played…but in the end…there is no place like Home.

New York is my past…but not my future. My younger son went home and war looms and is…Even as the war over there is fought with guns and hate, the lack of understanding and compassion here is magnified and I long to get on the plane and go Home…with my Wife to our life…our real life…real love…real life.

 

 

 

 

Feet For Moving on and Walking With...

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

Here we are…feet and all…feet and all…It is the time between our New Year and Yom Kippur…The day when the book is closed on the year to come…the tomorrows are sealed and what will be is already written.

And what is racing through my mind? –where does that ADHD brain of mine carry my thoughts?  I think of moving forward. I think of the year gone by and the year to come. It can actually all be the same. What happened yesterday and last month and what will happen tomorrow. It can be the same…life can be a circle whose perimeter we travel on round and round…We can choose that…there is life. There is death. There is life and there is death again and again and on and on forever…

This year, however, I chose differently. My life is a series of spirals. My life goes round, but it also goes up and down…and it loops off to here and curves off to there…I can't control what lies ahead. But I can choose the direction. I can chose my path…I can chose who I take along with me, who I invite and who I leave behind…

On these days – the Days of Awe, I have always found myself lost in the downward spiral of the past…I thought this year would be different. I spent this past year working to make this year be different---I had held onto my loss and pain and then buried myself in that pain some more ---And then I decided to change.  I have prayed and meditated and studied and focused and I pray and meditate and focus and on and on and on the circle's perimeter is so long…and yet…I thought this year would be different.

This year coming up is full of excitement. My eldest is getting married to the most wonderful woman…both of them are strong, smart and so in love…the excitement of their life is bubbling with light and life. My younger son is amazing and strong. My Love is my lover, my partner, my friend. She shares my life and I share hers…and together we live…I started my 6^th decade with a bang and blast.

This year is full of new life plans and new life waiting to be born. This year, the Days of Awe were to be different…and in a way, they are…Each year I fear this feeling of loss and being lost. This year I had a new belief…the belief, I have a choice.

I believe that I can choose what I let into my world – my heart, my soul…I can choose and I do choose. Every day I choose and make a choice…This choice takes me on the path of my life…I chose to dive deeper. I chose to dive deeper into the darkness of the sea...and now I choose to swim into the sun…I choose to walk with the one I love…I chose to walk on sandy beaches, in cool shady forests, down the empty street and through the crowded city. I choose to take my feet and walk on, eyes open, alert and present in today…I chose. And I am grateful – for the love I've been blessed with and the wise ones I choose to listen to and hear…and for the feet that carry me and my love – on our journey into this year and the next…

May we all have a year of peace, health and love.  May we all find the strength in our feet to carry us on through to the level…and may we all find those other feet – those of a friend, a partner, a love to walk beside us and share our tomorrows.

 

A Lesbo - or Just a Regular Person... Forgiveness...

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

Writing is a big deal for me… it has always defined who I am and what I am about…it is then so strange when I sit down and don't know what to say. I can always just write--- even here…blah blah blah…nothing that I have to say seems important right now.

I have been on this journey for a half a century. It has had every aspect of life included. I have loved, been loved, am loved, still love. I've given birth and raised 2 amazing children. I've moved countries, changed professions, have a tractor license, picked peppers and melons in the desert, lived in the desert, lived in the city, live in a small town, lived on kibbutz, was a member of kibbutz, sat on committees, made awful decisions and some good ones too. I've felt disappointed, let down and desolate, I've felt high and invincible and low and suicidal. I've trusted strangers more than I've trusted myself, I've been through terror and war, I've done all the daily regular life things – shopping, cooking, , keeping house. I was a good wife, I was a breadwinner, I have travelled a bit and been away on business…. I've been with loved ones dying and said goodbye, missed goodbyes. I've kept secrets. I've had secrets. I have prayed and I do pray, I've meditated, I've been healed and I've healed. I've been violated and been broken. I've become unbroken and dangled in between living and not…and sometimes I could not even tell the difference. I've felt loved, I've felt despised, I've been jealous, and been cheated…I've been cared for and I've cared for…

So now, I am here…New Year coming around the bend (Rosh Hashanah). This is a month of asking for forgiveness and forgiving. This is a month of letting go and moving forward. So here I am, sitting at my computer – writing…and trying to understand – another is about to begin…and 50 years of my time on this planet has passed. Have I made this world any better? Is anybody here today better off for my existence? Have I eased anyone's pain, made someone else feel safe and secure? Made someone happy? I know that I have lived most of my dreams…I have written my book and am hopeful that it will be published, either while I am still in this earth or after. I have no worldly possessions to speak of – no house or jewels to leave behind.

I pray and wish and hope and ask forgiveness of my children. These two are the only ones on this earth who truly have the right to sit in judgment of their mother. My most important job and mission on this planet was to ensure their safe passage into adulthood. I apologize to them for all of my shortcomings and for not providing them with an inheritance and for putting them in the midst of my uncertainties. I truly had them in mind first and foremost – even when I could no longer live the life I was living alone…

Sometimes I wake up and I think that I am done. It has been a great journey--- the stuff that books and stories – sad and triumphant -- are made of. I sometimes think that this is it…it is unnatural that we should live more. What could I possibly give and to whom? I am so tired most of the time. And then I look over at my Love as she sleeps…We are a team. I remain here with her…and I ask her forgiveness too…Forgive me for willing to go and leave you, the love of my life. I promise to work harder, to stay with you, so that together we can continue this blessed journey and see where it leads.

 

Fifty!!!!! And Still...A Lesbo but Where?

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

I can't believe it has been so long and I haven't been faithful to LesbosOnTheCouch…What was I thinking?

Well, to be fair – I have been busy.

In July I celebrated my Jubilee – yes indeed-a-rooby, I turned 50! I am fifty years old. I, a LesboOnTheCouch, am now a fifty year old, Jubilee, Lesbo…FIFTY…yep, that'd be me.

Well, let's see. What do I have to show for my 50 years on this planet…I want to take a half a wink to look back…

I have 2 amazing children. One is about to marry a beautiful, smart, warm and loving woman. I feel their blessedness every day. 

I have found my Love and she is a wonder and wonderful. We have a great life together. I truly don't know how or why she puts up with me…and at fifty, I can be quite a handful!

I have written some; and then written some more…and then some more again – maybe, one of these days a book will come to print and then I will feel my garble has come full circle.

I have my Spirit…I have my Soul…The Creator is with me and I am being guided on this Joy…I don't have a clue where… but I follow and my Soul wonders off and back- and the Spirit of All That Is brings me home daily…to my Love, to the Temple..

I have a job – a place of work – I earn and we live, together me and My Love, the LesbosOnTheCouch…together.

We have a roof over our heads- moved more times then I care to count –but we are home in each other's arms…And the Lord's Grace is our shelter and warmth…

We have friends…we have family…we have each other...we LIVE…We LOVE…

There is a flow. Lives begin and end. We are all included.

And here I am…once again I write…– LesboOnTheCouch

…I am, we are…

This is just a reminder for all of you but more for me – I am here. I am. Time is moving differently now…I am 50 years old now…and in another half century, a hundred years will have gone by and surely I will be gone too…but LesbosOnTheCouch – in fifty more years…LesbosInTheGrave…ooh,no better – LesbosFromTheGrave…oh yeah- that will be fun to write!

But for now- I am still here….Lesboing on the couch with my Love…at fifty.

Our Seven Chins (and it’s not because I’m a LesboOnTheCouch)

LesbosOnTheCouch
by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

Our Seven Chins (and it’s not because I’m a LesboOnTheCouch)

How many chins do you have? I have seven. Look at your feet.

I walk into the office…no, not the work office – another office I frequent…

“You smell nice.”

Really? Nobody ever says that to me…must be my hair.

“No, it’s something else…It smells like an essence or oil of some kind.”

Oh, it must be my chins. I say this pointing to my sandaled feet. My Love creams them every night so that they won’t be all dry and scratchy and painful for both of us…

“Your chins?...on your feet?”

Yeah.

Oh, I forgot again. We have different body parts then everybody else…

Look at my feet. Those things you call heels. Don’t they look like chins? And that body part you call elbows – elbow or arm chins. And at the bottom of the butt –butt chins…There you have it seven chins.

Well, what else is different about me, about us? My kid grew up with six pits. Everyone has arm pits…but we have more of those, too.

Son 1 came from school one day (I think he was in junior high school already)…a bit confused, amazed and maybe angry….”Mom! DO YOU KNOW THAT KNEES DO NOT HAVE PITS?! And neither do elbows….!” This he learned from his biology teacher….

Semantics my child – EVERYTHING is just words…

Some women have tits. I have BOOBS. We all have breasts. I love boobs and boobies- not such a fan of tits and titties…and breasts – well, if I am being all serious and technical and mature and artsy…breasts will do. But boobs and boobies are fun! They bounce and jiggle and dance! And one day they will touch my knees and maybe my toes when I can no longer bend to reach them myself.

And then there is the vagina…or if you are a New Yorker, you might say, virgina…but you’d be mistaken- for very many reasons…Personally, I have a twat. I learned about twats from an older friend long ago – when she was still alive and had one herself. Twats are also lots of fun and full of pleasure and wonder.

Then there is pussy…which reminds me of cats and something a little too sweet and soft and unpredictable, without strength and self determination.

Twats equal fun.

My Love sometimes says toota…and I think of something noisy and horn-like…which of course can happen…toot – a!

But my twat is warm and welcomes my Love…and brings me pleasure…And it too will eventually replace my slippers and be warm and fuzzy on my toes and foot chins in the winter.

Ok – so that about sums up my feminine parts…and by the way –

HAPPY GAY PRIDE PARADE, my Tel Aviv friends! Yeah for us…and yeah for the places that allows us the pleasure of being whom we are!

A Freakishly Short Update: The Move

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

A Freakishly  Short Update: The Move

The LesbosOnTheCouch –we've begun. The flight has been staged. In 2 days' time the truck will come and cart our belongings away to another house, yet, another new home.

The new home is smaller than this house. The new home is a bit short and shrunken…but, hopefully, our new home will be like my Freakishly short arms…sweet, warm and welcoming.

The new home is small…so small that we HAD TO SELL THE COUCH…Yep, we've sold THE COUCH…The original Lesbos' couch now sits humbly in the home of our hetero friends. Our Couch, the Lesbos_Couch is now home to the HeterosOnTheCouch. May they sit in peace.

More later…after the move…as we return to the next  LesbosOnTheCouch…in the new, short and shrunken but Freakishly  warm and welcoming arms of our new home…

FREEDOM!

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

And the spring holiday of Passover is almost over ---Passover, the holiday that symbolizes Freedom – Freedom…Freedom, something that we should all treasure and value…but Freedom is only truly valued when won.

I didn't always believe that. I didn't really think about it personally…but it is time to do that…to think, to contemplate…and to write and speak out…Freedom is a beautiful word. It is almost as wondrous as Love. Love is most appreciated when first found – This is something that many of us have been fortunate enough to experience…finding love…but Freedom…many of us have not had the experience of finding Freedom…a great many of us have had Freedom handed to us without ever having it…Maybe that is why so many of us don't appreciate the true meaning of the word Freedom…as defined by my Google search: The power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.

I have been lucky and blessed- my entire adult life I knew Freedom – I chose to move to Israel. I chose to marry and have children. I chose to divorce move on and accept my desire for women. And then I chose to accept and love and beyond - to marry My Love…The woman of my dreams, the woman of My Life…She chose me. I chose her…Our Freedom, our choice…We had the Freedom to choose to accept our Lesbianism and our love – and build our lives together. Freedom gave us the ability to be able to change our former state, our past and move into the life of our true selves.

True selves….this is another concept that is taken for granted by many people…but to reach our True selves, we must first know our Freedom – our Freedom to choose to be that True self.

So many people who live in a state of 'Freedom' may never really know their true selves. They may think that the way that they were raised; the way that they have been their 'whole' lives is their true self…-without ever looking into themselves, without allowing themselves to choose a direction or a path that will bring them to that inner place of peace.

Maybe I am just rambling senselessly – or maybe you get what I am trying to say…To choose to be able to be who we truly are…to do this, we need to both realize who it is we are and that we can change and be that person. This is true Freedom. This is the true gift. The gift of Freedom allows us to be who we are. The Gift to know and then be our True selves…This is Freedom. And this I have…and this I wish for all of you…

Happy Spring!

The Spiraling Lesbian - or I Have a Fever and What Does It Mean

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

So--- a fever…had one for 5 days… a bit high…just enough to make me think  I might be dying.  Ever since my best friend had  ''flu symptoms'' for a couple of weeks about 25 years ago and wound up dead from leukemia, I always find myself thinking that I must be dying when I have a fever for more than 24 hours.

This is not really as horrible as it sounds.  Allot of very positive thoughts can come to surface when you think you are going to die. They say that may people bargain with God when in this situation – but let's face it – I don't have any chips to trade.  First of all – any chips I do have are the Creator's already… (For the record, Creator is not my favorite word for God. In Hebrew, we say Borai Olam…Creator of the universe/world…this suits me better. Or in Hebrew I could say, The Light…and for some reason it doesn't sound so cheesy as in English – the Hebrew word being ''Or''… but I have gone off track, just a bit.)

And now I think of how many people, for their own good reasons are going think that it should never have been written. To these people, I can already say…if the good Lord has seen fit to get me out of bed at 3AM after having a miserable flu for a week, well…then clearly this is to be written…So I write.

So the good points of thinking I may be on the list of sooner rather than later to meet the Greatest Creator – our Creator, or Light…well, for one…I remember how many people I love and who I miss…I remember that if I should die, maybe, just maybe, I will get to feel their hugs, hear their laughter and breath their breath again, even if for only one short moment in between.

Another good point – I am not really afraid. Sad that I will miss my boys and my Love and those who I love and who love me…I will miss them, but, my experience has taught me that in a few years' time – just a blink of eternity…and my memory will become to them something pleasant and warm…for them to share with each other, maybe a grandchild or two…or keep to themselves as a smile on a rainy day.

Some people believe that in the next cycle, the next spiral or trip back to life we get to work on the things we did not finish ''right'' or ''well'' this time around…Well – while I stand by my story – "I did the best I could at the time" – I certainly made some dumbass mistakes (oh yes, hind sight is a bitch – but it is better late than never). So I pray that this theory hold enough merit for me to make it back here with enough stored inside my little head, to learn from these mistakes and not make them again….Maybe not only not make them again – but make things better for some of the souls that I hurt – in their next trip to this world or similar dimension.
Ahh…3:25AM….to post or not to post?  Coherent or not coherent?

Hoobly or not hoobly…and what about those ridiculous lives we all lead, believing we are so important? What about all those Facebook 'friends' in virtual nowhere, being supportive – agreeing or disagreeing…really? It is none of the above – but on Thee…That lets me know that I am alright. I am okay. I did my best. I do my best. I was. I am. I love my boys more than myself. I love My Love…as myself…I am a mom. I am a woman. I am a Lesbian. And in all of these, I find acceptance and Love in Borai Olam who made me as well…I am good enough for Her(or Him)…so I must be good enough for myself.

Please excuse any awful grammar ---now 3:34AM ----and I want to post.

Short and Sweet -

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

The day begins and I am sitting at my computer, waiting for the inspiration – waiting for the spirit to take me- waiting for the words to start to flow…waiting, waiting, waiting…maybe that's not the way to go…

So I begin to write – my fingers are click, click, clicking on the computer…I love the sound, I love the way it feels as my fingers hit the keys…it is for me like a symphony…each key a different letter into another word then sentence…finally a paragraph and then a whole page.

The days have been full, the nights even fuller. My Love is back and with her the fullness of everything that lives around us. The garden – suddenly we have flowers in the house again, and food cooking on the stove and in the oven…suddenly the bed is not a quiet noiseless and dark place but a place of laughter joy and tears…She is home and with her the life is here.

We spend our days working and dreaming of respite. The time we get back to each other and our own little world of love and laughter – lots of laughter and more tears. When I was alone, my life was more one two one two…wake up, go to work, come home….the emotion was singular and in a stream of one, one, one…

Now, we are back to the boobies and the short arms and the noses and the hair…perfume and flowers and blue hair…holidays are real and time is filled with motion and movement and thoughts and going and coming and all together now family and love and pain all together and talking and sitting and action…and I gotta go here and meet you there.

You are home now and life is full again with so many words and everything…

We talk into the night…I can barely keep my eyes open…I snort and you giggle, time to sleep… we've been talking into the night forever – for many lifetimes of which this is one. We have made love for centuries of which this is one night. We have been together so long – sometimes being a part just reminds us to come back home.

I am so glad that you are home!

Grateful - and a Lesbian Too

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

Love…love is a really big word. It should not be taken lightly…

My Love has been away for about a month…a trip to regenerate her soul, to find some cold and fresh air – to be physically in a different place.

My Love is coming back tomorrow. I love my love. I do not take this love lightly – but this love feels light. This love feels like that white bright life that gives us live.

I know that this is my day to write my blog – sometimes it is filled with sorrow, sometimes with silliness, sometimes with great sadness. Today I am just grateful. My Love is coming home. My Love has chosen to come home to be with me. She chooses me as I choose her…every day, every night.

Everything is a choice. Every day we make choices. We get up and go to work – that is a choice. We eat breakfast, grab a coffee and go. This is a choice. We speak …not only is speaking a choice- but having others in our lives, to listen to us, this is a choice as well.

Some of us chose to strip at the Dead Sea. Some of choose to stand in protest. Some of us choose to eat. Some of us choose to fight. Some of us choose to go to bed, to avoid a life. Some of us choose to wake and live each day…Some of us choose to love and some of us 'fall in love'…but the fact is, it is all a choice.

Every day, everything that I do or do not do, is a choice.

Everything we do is here and now. Everything that was, is now in the past, it is past. We can choose our present, we cannot choose our past….

I wake every day and make a conscious effort – I make the choice… every breath, every step, every minute, I make the choice to choose the present. This is so difficult…I often find myself caught up in a tidal wave of yesterday. I then feel lost and desolate and shamed. In these times, I choose to reach out to those whose hands and hearts are strong and sure and can lead me out of the water onto the shore. I am so lucky and so grateful to have these people in my life…

Today, I am very grateful for the choice that My Love has made – to come back home to me. I am grateful for the Love that has been given and I am grateful for the Blessings I have received ---the Blessings that I have received as a LesbianOnTheCouch, in a world where my past could have drowned me, had I been alone.

Today…I am grateful…to be this person, to be this woman, to be this Lesbian, to be this Loved, to be this Believer…to have my God.

Spencer Tunick and the not so lost boobies....

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

Spancer Tunick and the not so lost boobies….

What a way to start the night…Slide show with pictures, dark dark pub…I am completely out of my element – Suzanna – blimey, I take you literally!...

I leave work early…and go to friends and we take a cab. The Cabby is nice enough. Can you turn on the light a minute? I want to look up the address of our destination.  As we are driving, nice Cabby opens his car door – that is one way to get some light on the situation, as we speed down the main road into the city…Ahh…I’ve got the address, Dog and Cat is where we are off to…Dog and Cat it is….or something like that…Dog, cat, hat, no hat, no hat, Naked Dead Sea, no hat, no jacket…It is a warm night anyway.

We get there – and somehow we are on the wrong side of the entrance door…In another dimension this means that we are actually at the exit…and can’t get in…outside…walk around the block….noisy ….loud….dark….very dark…FOUND the place and the entrance into darkness….down the stairs….down…down…down.

Enter…

On a giant banner screen on one wall of the bar it flashes, Spancer Tunick…yep, that’s it! Spancer must be so proud to be among the greats; Mickel Jeckson and Lincolon and sendwitchs!

…On another wall, pictures from ‘the shoot.’ And there they are ---MY BOOBIES… (and me, of course, attached to them there bobbing boobies…floating on top of the salty sea…the Sea of Salt…not a Dead Sea at all…How could a sea of bodies – boobies and bushes; flat and full, thin and thick, bendy and stiff, soft and hard, young and old, smooth and wrinkled, blonde, brunette, black, grey and white…how could anyone say that this is a DEAD Sea...)

And then there is the obligatory bar – party is a party is a party is a party equals booze…what else does one mix with boobies – especially MY BOOBIES…Bobbing, floating, alive in the not Dead Sea of salt…and life that was….Life that was…

We all make choices…all of our life is really a series of choices that lead to experiences that lead to more choices that lead to more experiences that lead to more choices…

And that is why I am here. That is how I got to be so lucky…There is no such thing as luck. Did you all know that? There is no such thing as luck…It is true, I got the gift of boobies and not so big bush…But I did not have to put it out there. I could have stayed at home and hid it all…I could choose to stay at home and sleep the sleep of heavenly bliss and never know the excitement, the awe and the wondrousness of having put it all out there with all of those other amazing people and that phenomenal artist…photographing the world…changing the power, the view, changing the world. But it was not luck that sent me out there…It is not luck that has me sit here and write about it today…It is a gift. It is a choice to accept that gift.

It is a gift. It is a choice to accept that gift. And for today at least, I chose to accept that lift. (And I thank you Suzanna for showing me…)

I Thought...

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

This is my time---

I know that there is no one- I alone am responsible for myself.  I have my life. I have my Love. I have my children. I have those I love…I have love. I have my body. I have my soul. I have my spirit.

I have a past that haunts me. I have things that I have done that I am not proud of. I have things that have been done to me that shame me.

I have my life. I have my Love. I have my body. I have my soul. I have my spirit. I have a past that shames me.

Within this shame, I used to fight a daily battle. I used to believe that I could only live if I woke each morning with the will to fight to live...My fight- my struggle… Fight the depression. Fight the urge to sleep that all-encompassing sleep. Fight the urge to crawl into that whole, to jump into the abyss. Fight the fight, struggle with my demons, conquer and overcome the shame that lives inside me.

I thought that my journey was done. I thought that I knew. I thought I understood. I thought – I thought –I thought there was no choice. I thought the best that I could do was to accept the past as it joins me in the present. I thought that the past is both past and present. I thought that the past continues on in my mind, in my soul, my present and all that I could do is keep it quiet. …I thought that my past defines me… These have been my thoughts. This has been my mantra. This had been my breath. This is who I have been.

I have now begun yet another journey. How many journeys with my past will I take? How many more until I am free?

I thought…I thought…that this was my destiny – my past around my neck, like a rope waiting to be hung. I thought that this was the only truth that I could know.

I thought…I knew but I was wrong…I am on another journey…I know this is the final ride. I am to let the past go on with me as witness, not my judge, not my juror. I am to let the past go ---as a vision of what was, not what will be.

I am a writer. I was given the gift and the words flow from my heart. I can write my story. I can change my story... I can change.

I can end the story at will– but I don't have to. I was wrong. The past is yesterday. Today is a new day and tomorrow – well, tomorrow has not yet happened.

I take this new journey to leave the past behind. What will tomorrow's story be?

REFLECTION and the virtual world

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

REFLECTION and the virtual world

I want to live my life in a way that I can be proud of myself- I want to wake up in the morning and feel that I matter…I want to wake up in the morning and greet the day with a smile, with a song. I want my heart to sing…and I want my heart to feel light.

Light, easy, flowing, buoyant, joyful, luminous, radiant, carefree, lighthearted – free…These are the words that I want to describe my life, my day.

Exuberant…that is what I want to feel when the alarm rings and the day begins. I love to be in motion. I love to create. ..

My writing is my way of expressing myself. My writing is how I get my message across. My writing is how I search for myself. My writing is how I heal…

My life, all of our lives is a process….as is my writing…

I live my life in extremes…as my writing is extreme…here, I've begun in seriousness and spirituality and thoughtfulness…and now I am feeling a change in spirit….

My reflection turns to my Love who is traveling and…

Exuberance…

My Love… She is so creative and fun…her mind amazes me. She is in Europe this month visiting family, breathing some fresh icy air and having fun- without me! Her creativity- her path a full gamut of interests… She loves painting and working with glue and paper---she loves gardening -and virtual gardening as well!

Today I met a mutual friend for coffee--- we were talking and she mentioned the virtual garden---  my Love went away for a month and left her to water her virtual garden – Really?! At least she did the responsible thing and got someone else to care for it….

And I thought it was weird that I compete with this virtual garden from my bed at night. When I get into bed exhausted and I look over and say – Are you coming Love? And she says she has to water the garden or things will die….It is a virtual garden, isn't it??!!

Yesterday was my Love's birthday. I miss her but I am so proud of her fearlessness…she's doing what she needs to do to take care of herself. She's traveling and breathing the icy air and seeing new things and letting her eyes and heart open wide to the possibilities and the newness of the world.

And that brings me back- here I am thinking of ways that I can lead a life and be worthy- be worthy of the gifts that I have been given…so that I can be here for those I love and those who love me…I will take a lesson from my Love and step outside and breathe the air and see the world anew –today I will breathe the air and see the world anew…

Enjoy the World!

My Love: Happy Birthday! May you enjoy the world every day of the year.

Freakishly Short - Toes and All

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos
-The other is temporarily up and about...frolicking somewhere in the snow...

Ok, it has been more than a month since I've posted. I've wanted to. I've wanted to write…but the flow just seemed to have …II…paused…

Actually, that is not what happened…I just got too busy…mostly in my head. And then there is this...

My love has taken off – she's flown away for a trip, a vacation, a break…Life is like the wind –sometimes blustery and stormy and a full blown squall with gusts that can knock you right off your feet…sometimes it just flows and twists. Lately life has been a stormy winter wind.

I see that the petals on the flowers have begun to fall from the flowers in the vase.

I see that my middle toe is pretty small. All of my toes are really small-   but for some reason, my middle toe is the same size as my pinky toe.  The thing about my toes…they have the same waving capabilities as my hand. That is, I can wave hello and good bye with my toes…and that is a good for many reasons.

Yes, I get don't get as bored as other people do.  I always have all kinds of things around me to amuse me…sometimes it's my job or the people at work. Sometimes it's My love or my friends. Sometimes it's my toes…or the wind or my freakishly short arms…or strange sounding words…phalanges…phalanges…

The thing about my toes- they are always there. Sometimes, especially in the winter – and always when I am at work – they are inside shoes or boots. At home I feel especially free and happy. My toes come out of their socky abode and wave to a passerby…and to me

Life is not very different from my toes.  Just like my toes, life is always out there. We can cover it up an ignore it –but  it doesn't just go away; no matter how much we might try to pretend that we are not a part of it – we are…Like our toes are part of our feet.

So we laugh and drink and eat and pretend we don't care…but deep down – that toe, that little toe in the middle of my foot, it is there.

I am taking a course now- it is helping me with my emotional eating…you know, that knee jerk response to unpleasantness ---where's the chocolate?

It really is helping me. I realized at the very beginning of the course that I didn't even know when I was really hungry – or when I just needed something to calm and comfort…How sad is that? I knew that I ate when I was sad, depressed, happy, frustrated, angry, excited, nervous, afraid, annoyed…but I didn't realize that all of that  had hidden the one true signal that my body was giving me when it was time to eat – when I a am hungry. In my life experience, I was always – am always hungry.

I've learned now that that feeling of being empty and needing to fill the gaping hole wasn't really hunger – It was emptiness.  An emptiness that needs to be filled by something other than food…

What does this have to do with my toe? Well, nothing really – just an observation ---just like the eating had nothing to do with needing to eat – with physical hunger…

We can connect anything to anything ===

And I do…to My love---who is off in flight, playing in the distant snow…and not sitting here on the couch with me and my phalanges. I love you. I miss you. My toes and I wish you enjoy yourself and think of us...My toes are waving you hello and may peace be with you...