I Thought...

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

This is my time---

I know that there is no one- I alone am responsible for myself.  I have my life. I have my Love. I have my children. I have those I love…I have love. I have my body. I have my soul. I have my spirit.

I have a past that haunts me. I have things that I have done that I am not proud of. I have things that have been done to me that shame me.

I have my life. I have my Love. I have my body. I have my soul. I have my spirit. I have a past that shames me.

Within this shame, I used to fight a daily battle. I used to believe that I could only live if I woke each morning with the will to fight to live...My fight- my struggle… Fight the depression. Fight the urge to sleep that all-encompassing sleep. Fight the urge to crawl into that whole, to jump into the abyss. Fight the fight, struggle with my demons, conquer and overcome the shame that lives inside me.

I thought that my journey was done. I thought that I knew. I thought I understood. I thought – I thought –I thought there was no choice. I thought the best that I could do was to accept the past as it joins me in the present. I thought that the past is both past and present. I thought that the past continues on in my mind, in my soul, my present and all that I could do is keep it quiet. …I thought that my past defines me… These have been my thoughts. This has been my mantra. This had been my breath. This is who I have been.

I have now begun yet another journey. How many journeys with my past will I take? How many more until I am free?

I thought…I thought…that this was my destiny – my past around my neck, like a rope waiting to be hung. I thought that this was the only truth that I could know.

I thought…I knew but I was wrong…I am on another journey…I know this is the final ride. I am to let the past go on with me as witness, not my judge, not my juror. I am to let the past go ---as a vision of what was, not what will be.

I am a writer. I was given the gift and the words flow from my heart. I can write my story. I can change my story... I can change.

I can end the story at will– but I don't have to. I was wrong. The past is yesterday. Today is a new day and tomorrow – well, tomorrow has not yet happened.

I take this new journey to leave the past behind. What will tomorrow's story be?