The Girdle - Gramma's or My Own?

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

The Girdle

Sometimes I feel like my life is being lived inside a girdle…you know the kind – the things that our grams used to wear- and that even I wore for ''in honor'' of my son's nuptials…(who am I, my Gram? I wish! Is that where all this came from? My Gram or the girdle?)

What does it mean to live inside a girdle? Well, it is definitely not as fun as living inside a chocolate mousse. Although living inside a chocolate mousse might eventually necessitate living inside a girdle…unless all I did was live inside the mousse without eating it…That would require a good amount of disassociation. I can do that!

My therapist used to tell me that I was the 'queen of disassociation'…I could disassociate, not feel or react to anything…She rejoiced with me as she/we tore that wall down and I began to feel and see and express the things that I had been avoiding…

Now, some 20 years later, I feel like I need to have a girdle. So I bought one to wear for the occasion. It held my belly and butt in place and I didn't jiggle at all! All was well – the occasion was over and no jiggling or inappropriate age behavior occurred. The girdle served its purpose. The girdle was soft and strong and sturdy…A lover's dream…the girdle was soft and safe and held me together… Held me together all to well -now I think I want to live inside this girdle. It is a bit tight and way too snug for comfort –but if I hold my self well enough it is quite bearable.

I am afraid that if I 'let myself out ' of the girdle I don't know what will become of me. With the girdle, I am now...the me that everybody 'knows' and the me that some of us love…What if the person that bursts out of that girdle is gruff and mean and a loud bitchy lesbian instead of the quiet unassuming giggly one?…What if I am not fun to be around? What if I have opinions that make people angry? What if I disagree with allot of people? What if I tell them that I disagree with them? What if I don't want to be nice to everyone? What if the person who I become is a truly bitchy bitch who has lots of anger that needs to be shouted out…What if coming out of that girdle means that I want to shout and be angry?  And then, what if I want to shout and be angry but I still can't find the voice for that anger? What if I can't do this? What if?

Maybe I'll just stay here inside the girdle for a while longer…after all – there are a whole lot of angry people out there. The world does not need another one…certainly not another bitchy, angry lesbian – on or off the couch…

Good nite!