The Spiraling Lesbian - or I Have a Fever and What Does It Mean

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

So--- a fever…had one for 5 days… a bit high…just enough to make me think  I might be dying.  Ever since my best friend had  ''flu symptoms'' for a couple of weeks about 25 years ago and wound up dead from leukemia, I always find myself thinking that I must be dying when I have a fever for more than 24 hours.

This is not really as horrible as it sounds.  Allot of very positive thoughts can come to surface when you think you are going to die. They say that may people bargain with God when in this situation – but let's face it – I don't have any chips to trade.  First of all – any chips I do have are the Creator's already… (For the record, Creator is not my favorite word for God. In Hebrew, we say Borai Olam…Creator of the universe/world…this suits me better. Or in Hebrew I could say, The Light…and for some reason it doesn't sound so cheesy as in English – the Hebrew word being ''Or''… but I have gone off track, just a bit.)

And now I think of how many people, for their own good reasons are going think that it should never have been written. To these people, I can already say…if the good Lord has seen fit to get me out of bed at 3AM after having a miserable flu for a week, well…then clearly this is to be written…So I write.

So the good points of thinking I may be on the list of sooner rather than later to meet the Greatest Creator – our Creator, or Light…well, for one…I remember how many people I love and who I miss…I remember that if I should die, maybe, just maybe, I will get to feel their hugs, hear their laughter and breath their breath again, even if for only one short moment in between.

Another good point – I am not really afraid. Sad that I will miss my boys and my Love and those who I love and who love me…I will miss them, but, my experience has taught me that in a few years' time – just a blink of eternity…and my memory will become to them something pleasant and warm…for them to share with each other, maybe a grandchild or two…or keep to themselves as a smile on a rainy day.

Some people believe that in the next cycle, the next spiral or trip back to life we get to work on the things we did not finish ''right'' or ''well'' this time around…Well – while I stand by my story – "I did the best I could at the time" – I certainly made some dumbass mistakes (oh yes, hind sight is a bitch – but it is better late than never). So I pray that this theory hold enough merit for me to make it back here with enough stored inside my little head, to learn from these mistakes and not make them again….Maybe not only not make them again – but make things better for some of the souls that I hurt – in their next trip to this world or similar dimension.
Ahh…3:25AM….to post or not to post?  Coherent or not coherent?

Hoobly or not hoobly…and what about those ridiculous lives we all lead, believing we are so important? What about all those Facebook 'friends' in virtual nowhere, being supportive – agreeing or disagreeing…really? It is none of the above – but on Thee…That lets me know that I am alright. I am okay. I did my best. I do my best. I was. I am. I love my boys more than myself. I love My Love…as myself…I am a mom. I am a woman. I am a Lesbian. And in all of these, I find acceptance and Love in Borai Olam who made me as well…I am good enough for Her(or Him)…so I must be good enough for myself.

Please excuse any awful grammar ---now 3:34AM ----and I want to post.