Mistakes and Forgiveness...Who Said That Would Be Easy?

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

I climb the stairs and in finally reach the elevator. She is always waiting for me when the elevator doors open. She promised me a life time ago – without actually saying the words – It was a promise that was made with loving hugs, laughter and squeezes. She would always be there to watch over me.

Admittedly, I didn't always know that. Actually, I just discovered her actual presence a couple of years ago. It was my grandfather, Papa, who actually told me on his deathbed, while everyone around him denied that he knew he was dying, that he would actually always be with me watching over me. It was his promise that opened the door for me to see my Gram standing there waiting for me when the elevator doors opened.

As usual, I've gone off track…

I reach the elevator and hit the button. It's the third floor. That's the floor she chooses. That is our floor, not to high but not too low. As the elevator ascends, I have a calm, absolute certainty that she will be there. And she is.

Together we walk to the balcony which is actually a doorless extension of this side of the third floor. She meets me with a smile. No matter what I've done, or what I think I've done that will upset her, she always greets me with a smile…Then she puts her arms around me, or at least I think she does, and we walk together to look out over the side of the balcony.

The truth is…I think she does all of these things. I feel her touch, I see her face, I hear her words…but I am not actually sure that this is what she is doing or if she is simply a presence – a real and true presence, allowing me to have her with me as I need her…as I always have.

As we look over the side, she hears my thoughts. I am thinking of all the mistakes I have made, of all the pain that I have inflicted on others. ..on one, two or three others…those I've most loved…including her, my Gram. I am going over in my head, out loud to her, and each word that I utter, each memory of the deed, stabs me like a knife and ice pick all at once. Some of these deeds have caused irreparable damage, I tell her. Some will leave a scar that will never heal…I feel the sorrow of regret building up inside me.

My Gram's arm is now around me…she comments on the beautiful view…the clouds so light and filled with a soft safe place to catch all that may or may not happen…You did the best you could at the time, is what I hope I am hearing her say…but my voice is continuing its litany of wrongs I have committed.

You did the best you could at the time…we are, none of us perfect. Look at me. I loved them, and yet we hurt them as well….who knows, maybe that hurt that deed that I did brought about the deeds that were done….and caused your pain…I did the best that I could at the time. I did what I thought was right.

You did the best that you could at the time. Looking back…it would have been better if you had done differently, but we don't have that option – the luxury of going back and doing it again…we cannot always right the wrongs of the past…We have only now. Now, I ask you, my smart girl (that is what she always called me, her 'smart girl') – please, for PEACE's sake…all of us have made mistakes…This is called living and life…please, forgive yourself and LIVE now…move on…

The clouds have turned from white to stormy grey. The wind is blowing and the rain begins to fall, above the clouds, onto the clouds. My Gram is crying. She doesn't cry. I never cry either. She is crying now.

She walks me back to the elevator and kisses me on my cheek and head and holds me tightly until the elevator comes. I never asked you -not you -not to go…she says to me as she pushes me gently onto the elevator. We all have the path we must follow. We all make mistakes.

I ride the elevator down to the ground floor. I go out of the elevator and into the garden, the city, my life. The sun is shining and the clouds are few and far between.

Existential Pondering, a Lesbo's Life Perspective

LesbosOnTheCouchby Beth C, one of the Lesbos

Sometimes when I get home in the evening, all I can do is apologize. It begins with I am sorry  Love and goes on and on…I apologize for every little fart and wrinkle, every little look and grimace. I apologize for the air that I breathe and the food that I eat. I feel like I have no real right or reason to be.

Sad?  Yeah, sometimes really sad…But then I get home and she is waiting for me. She takes me in her arms and holds me tightly. She looks into my eyes and says, ''You can do it. You are worthy. I believe in you. You are wonderful."

I don't quite know why I am this way. I know that there is no reason in today …There is just now. There is just me and my own existence…. There is just 'we' and 'us.'

There have been many places in my life that I have called Home. As a child, it was my parents' house, my grandparents' home; later on, a college dorm room, an apartment shared with strangers, a whole kibbutz; later still, the home we raised our children in and then finally, the home my wife and I have shared – (I think we are up to 5 different addresses!)…My home has also been the communities that I have been blessed to be a part of – my temple, my town, my neighborhood, the group of Lesbos who never seem to be sitting on the couch…

I have had the privilege and the blessing to be a part of so much in my life. I've had much joy and loss as well…I have lived fully…and although I have no regrets, sometimes regret is part of the story. But the thing about regret – the past cannot be changed, and the future – well, the best we can do is think and feel and follow our own paths, wherever they may lead.

And then it seems that although the world has so much beauty and so much love – and I too have witnessed and taken part in all of these –yet, it is not enough…or it is way too much…I am feeling done…. just, done. …ready to sleep a long, long sleep. 

If I am lucky and the morning is shining bright and my love is snuggled up warm and close, I can wake to the day and say, Thank you for the moment, for the breath, for the light and the night, for the comfort and the way…