Spencer Tunick and the not so lost boobies....

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

Spancer Tunick and the not so lost boobies….

What a way to start the night…Slide show with pictures, dark dark pub…I am completely out of my element – Suzanna – blimey, I take you literally!...

I leave work early…and go to friends and we take a cab. The Cabby is nice enough. Can you turn on the light a minute? I want to look up the address of our destination.  As we are driving, nice Cabby opens his car door – that is one way to get some light on the situation, as we speed down the main road into the city…Ahh…I’ve got the address, Dog and Cat is where we are off to…Dog and Cat it is….or something like that…Dog, cat, hat, no hat, no hat, Naked Dead Sea, no hat, no jacket…It is a warm night anyway.

We get there – and somehow we are on the wrong side of the entrance door…In another dimension this means that we are actually at the exit…and can’t get in…outside…walk around the block….noisy ….loud….dark….very dark…FOUND the place and the entrance into darkness….down the stairs….down…down…down.

Enter…

On a giant banner screen on one wall of the bar it flashes, Spancer Tunick…yep, that’s it! Spancer must be so proud to be among the greats; Mickel Jeckson and Lincolon and sendwitchs!

…On another wall, pictures from ‘the shoot.’ And there they are ---MY BOOBIES… (and me, of course, attached to them there bobbing boobies…floating on top of the salty sea…the Sea of Salt…not a Dead Sea at all…How could a sea of bodies – boobies and bushes; flat and full, thin and thick, bendy and stiff, soft and hard, young and old, smooth and wrinkled, blonde, brunette, black, grey and white…how could anyone say that this is a DEAD Sea...)

And then there is the obligatory bar – party is a party is a party is a party equals booze…what else does one mix with boobies – especially MY BOOBIES…Bobbing, floating, alive in the not Dead Sea of salt…and life that was….Life that was…

We all make choices…all of our life is really a series of choices that lead to experiences that lead to more choices that lead to more experiences that lead to more choices…

And that is why I am here. That is how I got to be so lucky…There is no such thing as luck. Did you all know that? There is no such thing as luck…It is true, I got the gift of boobies and not so big bush…But I did not have to put it out there. I could have stayed at home and hid it all…I could choose to stay at home and sleep the sleep of heavenly bliss and never know the excitement, the awe and the wondrousness of having put it all out there with all of those other amazing people and that phenomenal artist…photographing the world…changing the power, the view, changing the world. But it was not luck that sent me out there…It is not luck that has me sit here and write about it today…It is a gift. It is a choice to accept that gift.

It is a gift. It is a choice to accept that gift. And for today at least, I chose to accept that lift. (And I thank you Suzanna for showing me…)

I Thought...

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

This is my time---

I know that there is no one- I alone am responsible for myself.  I have my life. I have my Love. I have my children. I have those I love…I have love. I have my body. I have my soul. I have my spirit.

I have a past that haunts me. I have things that I have done that I am not proud of. I have things that have been done to me that shame me.

I have my life. I have my Love. I have my body. I have my soul. I have my spirit. I have a past that shames me.

Within this shame, I used to fight a daily battle. I used to believe that I could only live if I woke each morning with the will to fight to live...My fight- my struggle… Fight the depression. Fight the urge to sleep that all-encompassing sleep. Fight the urge to crawl into that whole, to jump into the abyss. Fight the fight, struggle with my demons, conquer and overcome the shame that lives inside me.

I thought that my journey was done. I thought that I knew. I thought I understood. I thought – I thought –I thought there was no choice. I thought the best that I could do was to accept the past as it joins me in the present. I thought that the past is both past and present. I thought that the past continues on in my mind, in my soul, my present and all that I could do is keep it quiet. …I thought that my past defines me… These have been my thoughts. This has been my mantra. This had been my breath. This is who I have been.

I have now begun yet another journey. How many journeys with my past will I take? How many more until I am free?

I thought…I thought…that this was my destiny – my past around my neck, like a rope waiting to be hung. I thought that this was the only truth that I could know.

I thought…I knew but I was wrong…I am on another journey…I know this is the final ride. I am to let the past go on with me as witness, not my judge, not my juror. I am to let the past go ---as a vision of what was, not what will be.

I am a writer. I was given the gift and the words flow from my heart. I can write my story. I can change my story... I can change.

I can end the story at will– but I don't have to. I was wrong. The past is yesterday. Today is a new day and tomorrow – well, tomorrow has not yet happened.

I take this new journey to leave the past behind. What will tomorrow's story be?

REFLECTION and the virtual world

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

REFLECTION and the virtual world

I want to live my life in a way that I can be proud of myself- I want to wake up in the morning and feel that I matter…I want to wake up in the morning and greet the day with a smile, with a song. I want my heart to sing…and I want my heart to feel light.

Light, easy, flowing, buoyant, joyful, luminous, radiant, carefree, lighthearted – free…These are the words that I want to describe my life, my day.

Exuberant…that is what I want to feel when the alarm rings and the day begins. I love to be in motion. I love to create. ..

My writing is my way of expressing myself. My writing is how I get my message across. My writing is how I search for myself. My writing is how I heal…

My life, all of our lives is a process….as is my writing…

I live my life in extremes…as my writing is extreme…here, I've begun in seriousness and spirituality and thoughtfulness…and now I am feeling a change in spirit….

My reflection turns to my Love who is traveling and…

Exuberance…

My Love… She is so creative and fun…her mind amazes me. She is in Europe this month visiting family, breathing some fresh icy air and having fun- without me! Her creativity- her path a full gamut of interests… She loves painting and working with glue and paper---she loves gardening -and virtual gardening as well!

Today I met a mutual friend for coffee--- we were talking and she mentioned the virtual garden---  my Love went away for a month and left her to water her virtual garden – Really?! At least she did the responsible thing and got someone else to care for it….

And I thought it was weird that I compete with this virtual garden from my bed at night. When I get into bed exhausted and I look over and say – Are you coming Love? And she says she has to water the garden or things will die….It is a virtual garden, isn't it??!!

Yesterday was my Love's birthday. I miss her but I am so proud of her fearlessness…she's doing what she needs to do to take care of herself. She's traveling and breathing the icy air and seeing new things and letting her eyes and heart open wide to the possibilities and the newness of the world.

And that brings me back- here I am thinking of ways that I can lead a life and be worthy- be worthy of the gifts that I have been given…so that I can be here for those I love and those who love me…I will take a lesson from my Love and step outside and breathe the air and see the world anew –today I will breathe the air and see the world anew…

Enjoy the World!

My Love: Happy Birthday! May you enjoy the world every day of the year.

Freakishly Short - Toes and All

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos
-The other is temporarily up and about...frolicking somewhere in the snow...

Ok, it has been more than a month since I've posted. I've wanted to. I've wanted to write…but the flow just seemed to have …II…paused…

Actually, that is not what happened…I just got too busy…mostly in my head. And then there is this...

My love has taken off – she's flown away for a trip, a vacation, a break…Life is like the wind –sometimes blustery and stormy and a full blown squall with gusts that can knock you right off your feet…sometimes it just flows and twists. Lately life has been a stormy winter wind.

I see that the petals on the flowers have begun to fall from the flowers in the vase.

I see that my middle toe is pretty small. All of my toes are really small-   but for some reason, my middle toe is the same size as my pinky toe.  The thing about my toes…they have the same waving capabilities as my hand. That is, I can wave hello and good bye with my toes…and that is a good for many reasons.

Yes, I get don't get as bored as other people do.  I always have all kinds of things around me to amuse me…sometimes it's my job or the people at work. Sometimes it's My love or my friends. Sometimes it's my toes…or the wind or my freakishly short arms…or strange sounding words…phalanges…phalanges…

The thing about my toes- they are always there. Sometimes, especially in the winter – and always when I am at work – they are inside shoes or boots. At home I feel especially free and happy. My toes come out of their socky abode and wave to a passerby…and to me

Life is not very different from my toes.  Just like my toes, life is always out there. We can cover it up an ignore it –but  it doesn't just go away; no matter how much we might try to pretend that we are not a part of it – we are…Like our toes are part of our feet.

So we laugh and drink and eat and pretend we don't care…but deep down – that toe, that little toe in the middle of my foot, it is there.

I am taking a course now- it is helping me with my emotional eating…you know, that knee jerk response to unpleasantness ---where's the chocolate?

It really is helping me. I realized at the very beginning of the course that I didn't even know when I was really hungry – or when I just needed something to calm and comfort…How sad is that? I knew that I ate when I was sad, depressed, happy, frustrated, angry, excited, nervous, afraid, annoyed…but I didn't realize that all of that  had hidden the one true signal that my body was giving me when it was time to eat – when I a am hungry. In my life experience, I was always – am always hungry.

I've learned now that that feeling of being empty and needing to fill the gaping hole wasn't really hunger – It was emptiness.  An emptiness that needs to be filled by something other than food…

What does this have to do with my toe? Well, nothing really – just an observation ---just like the eating had nothing to do with needing to eat – with physical hunger…

We can connect anything to anything ===

And I do…to My love---who is off in flight, playing in the distant snow…and not sitting here on the couch with me and my phalanges. I love you. I miss you. My toes and I wish you enjoy yourself and think of us...My toes are waving you hello and may peace be with you...