Pages

Translate

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

New Beginnings Come Along...

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

Well everyone, I have done it! I've just put up a website of my own for my blogs...I will continue to put things here...but, my site is up!

I invite you to it:

lesbosonthecouch.com

Check it out...sign up for the RSS feed to recieve updates...like us on facebook, share with your friends...
This is a new beginning for LesbosOnTheCouch and I welcome you and invite you and thank you for helping me become and come to this place and identity!!!

See you there!!!!
Beth C.
 http://lesbosonthecouch.com/

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Mistakes and Forgiveness...Who Said That Would Be Easy?

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos


I climb the stairs and in finally reach the elevator. She is always waiting for me when the elevator doors open. She promised me a life time ago – without actually saying the words – It was a promise that was made with loving hugs, laughter and squeezes. She would always be there to watch over me.
Admittedly, I didn't always know that. Actually, I just discovered her actual presence a couple of years ago. It was my grandfather, Papa, who actually told me on his deathbed, while everyone around him denied that he knew he was dying, that he would actually always be with me watching over me. It was his promise that opened the door for me to see my Gram standing there waiting for me when the elevator doors opened.
As usual, I've gone off track…
I reach the elevator and hit the button. It's the third floor. That's the floor she chooses. That is our floor, not to high but not too low. As the elevator ascends, I have a calm, absolute certainty that she will be there. And she is.
Together we walk to the balcony which is actually a doorless extension of this side of the third floor. She meets me with a smile. No matter what I've done, or what I think I've done that will upset her, she always greets me with a smile…Then she puts her arms around me, or at least I think she does, and we walk together to look out over the side of the balcony.
The truth is…I think she does all of these things. I feel her touch, I see her face, I hear her words…but I am not actually sure that this is what she is doing or if she is simply a presence – a real and true presence, allowing me to have her with me as I need her…as I always have.
As we look over the side, she hears my thoughts. I am thinking of all the mistakes I have made, of all the pain that I have inflicted on others. ..on one, two or three others…those I've most loved…including her, my Gram. I am going over in my head, out loud to her, and each word that I utter, each memory of the deed, stabs me like a knife and ice pick all at once. Some of these deeds have caused irreparable damage, I tell her. Some will leave a scar that will never heal…I feel the sorrow of regret building up inside me.
My Gram's arm is now around me…she comments on the beautiful view…the clouds so light and filled with a soft safe place to catch all that may or may not happen…You did the best you could at the time, is what I hope I am hearing her say…but my voice is continuing its litany of wrongs I have committed.
You did the best you could at the time…we are, none of us perfect. Look at me. I loved them, and yet we hurt them as well….who knows, maybe that hurt that deed that I did brought about the deeds that were done….and caused your pain…I did the best that I could at the time. I did what I thought was right.
You did the best that you could at the time. Looking back…it would have been better if you had done differently, but we don't have that option – the luxury of going back and doing it again…we cannot always right the wrongs of the past…We have only now. Now, I ask you, my smart girl (that is what she always called me, her 'smart girl') – please, for PEACE's sake…all of us have made mistakes…This is called living and life…please, forgive yourself and LIVE now…move on…
The clouds have turned from white to stormy grey. The wind is blowing and the rain begins to fall, above the clouds, onto the clouds. My Gram is crying. She doesn't cry. I never cry either. She is crying now.
She walks me back to the elevator and kisses me on my cheek and head and holds me tightly until the elevator comes. I never asked you -not you -not to go…she says to me as she pushes me gently onto the elevator. We all have the path we must follow. We all make mistakes.
I ride the elevator down to the ground floor. I go out of the elevator and into the garden, the city, my life. The sun is shining and the clouds are few and far between.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Existential Pondering, a Lesbo's Life Perspective

LesbosOnTheCouchby Beth C, one of the Lesbos

Sometimes when I get home in the evening, all I can do is apologize. It begins with I am sorry  Love and goes on and on…I apologize for every little fart and wrinkle, every little look and grimace. I apologize for the air that I breathe and the food that I eat. I feel like I have no real right or reason to be.
Sad?  Yeah, sometimes really sad…But then I get home and she is waiting for me. She takes me in her arms and holds me tightly. She looks into my eyes and says, ''You can do it. You are worthy. I believe in you. You are wonderful."
I don't quite know why I am this way. I know that there is no reason in today …There is just now. There is just me and my own existence…. There is just 'we' and 'us.'
There have been many places in my life that I have called Home. As a child, it was my parents' house, my grandparents' home; later on, a college dorm room, an apartment shared with strangers, a whole kibbutz; later still, the home we raised our children in and then finally, the home my wife and I have shared – (I think we are up to 5 different addresses!)…My home has also been the communities that I have been blessed to be a part of – my temple, my town, my neighborhood, the group of Lesbos who never seem to be sitting on the couch…
I have had the privilege and the blessing to be a part of so much in my life. I've had much joy and loss as well…I have lived fully…and although I have no regrets, sometimes regret is part of the story. But the thing about regret – the past cannot be changed, and the future – well, the best we can do is think and feel and follow our own paths, wherever they may lead.
And then it seems that although the world has so much beauty and so much love – and I too have witnessed and taken part in all of these –yet, it is not enough…or it is way too much…I am feeling done…. just, done. …ready to sleep a long, long sleep. 
If I am lucky and the morning is shining bright and my love is snuggled up warm and close, I can wake to the day and say, Thank you for the moment, for the breath, for the light and the night, for the comfort and the way…

 

 

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Women, Boobs, Prayer and The Blessing We Share

LesbosOnTheCouchby Beth C, one of the Lesbos

The length of my arm is about the length of my 2 boobs…and the length of both of my arms is filled by four boobs. These four boobs are mine and my love's….
The other evening my love and I and about 250 other woman danced and danced and danced and then danced some more…
 
There are many ways that I define myself…I am a woman. I am a lesbian. I am not young. I am not old. I am a little tea pot, short and stout. I have many handles and indeed, a spout or two. I am a spiritual being. I believe in God and I love the life I've been given and the love I have…
Out of my spout – I pray. Prayer is a big part of my life. Sometimes I feel that life is made up of prayer. It is as if I could just find the right prayer in and for any given moment, then all is right with my world.  I pray in the morning. I pray when I get in the car. I pray when I am at work. I pray while I work. I pray when I eat, I pray when I sleep. My thoughts are prayers and my actions reflect my own personal prayer. Not very many understand or see my prayer…or know my secret -my life as prayer.
 
The other night, as we all danced and danced…I felt truly blessed. I looked around; I took a deep breath…every breath was a blessing – every step, every jump, every wiggle and shake was a prayer, every song brought joy and togetherness and a unity that was so very special…it can only be described as prayer. And the prayer brought about the blessing which was and is the unity of the women, united in dance.
Dance and prayer…they go together…dancing with women is very special. Women love and care, even on a subconscious level. When I started sneezing…there were wave after wave of ''L'abriut! Lábrout!" – This is what we say, not 'Bless you – but 'to your health.'  Women, whether or not they are aware of it, bring about prayer into their daily lives; it is part of our identity. It is one of those things that unite us…and make us whole and fill our breasts with air and life…It is one of our blessings – whether or not we choose to recognize it and acknowledge its existence
Women
There are many ways that I define myself. I am a woman. How do I define women? Women are love. Women are warm. Women are strong. Women are life force. Women are a prayer. And together women are a blessing. We are a blessing and we are blessed
The length of my arms can hold four boobs…and this is my own blessing…and I pray that you too can feel this blessing of fullness and love.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Old Bogues, Rogue Toegues...Lesbos Beware!

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

My toes have gone rogue!

Here we are at this most beautiful and romantic spot. A cabin in the woods, complete with wood burning fire, Jacuzzi wine, champagne and strawberries…And what takes my mind away? My toes have gone rogue!
I know, it just isn't fair…we are here to relax and chill- a little 'get away from it all' time to ourselves…My wife's birthday and winter break…and I can't get away from all the weird signs of me…My body is metamorphosing into something new and exciting. I am indeed the older one in this marriage so it should not surprise me that things are moving without me…
Don't make that face…you all know what I am talking about….and if you don't, you will…The grey hair is a bit dryer and more –well just more that then the predecessor hairs of yesteryear…the boobs – they may not have the stand up and salute they used to have – but hey- they sure know how to bounce into any situation and swing into the middle of whatever may be happening…and then there are the eyes…and the arms, especially my freakishly short ones, that are just too short at the end of the day to read the shopping list…and how about those teeth? I should've saved the kids baby teeth to fill in the gaps in my grand and wide gapped mouth!
And now that my Heat Waves are in full motion, I can feel the burning away of the old cells and I pray that the new ones will be kind to this body…
And ask I bend my head in earnest prayer, I notice that my toes are also taking a new and improved form…the spaces – the spreading of the toes …ah but this must have been the answer to my last prayer that had to do with my clutsy tripping – Ahhh…the Lord does work in mysterious ways…She has provided me with wide spread toes ---huge gaps, just like between my teeth…this must be to get a better grip and balance…
Ah so maybe the gaps in my teeth have purpose as well…Yes, desert…I don't always remember to take a snack along. Now I can always find something spare in between the teeth for nourishment…Ah and the swinging boobs…ah…this must be…so that …well so that we can have that extra pillow in the armpits I've always dreamed of…and in a few more months, that neck rest we wanted for the couch…you know, the couch we lesbos sit on…like the one I am on now at this beautiful romantic cabin in the woods…oh, that reminds me-
HAPPY BIRTHDAY my love!
And who will be there celebrating with us at the One Billion Rising? Celebrate and Rise – for who we all are and who we all can be…http://lesbosonthecouch.com/

Sunday, January 13, 2013

I Forgot to Dance

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

I Forgot to Dance…
Life is a field of learning and sometimes the learning is really hard and painful and sometimes it is just exhausting and I want to go to bed and stay there…After a couple of weeks of trying to 'get over myself'  I realized that I had forgotten…forgotten…so, I forget what I forgot…nothing new. Maybe that is part of the problem…forgetting but forgetting the wrong things!
Sometimes I forget who I am and what I am made of. I forget why I am here and what it is that I am doing…I forget to eat. I forget to move. I forget to make a phone call. I forget to put up a laundry. I forget to cook the soup. I forget to do the dishes. I forget to pull the sweatshirt down off of my eyes before I start walking –and walk into the wall…I forget to turn the soup off and then don't understand what 'smells like something is burning.' I forget to turn the radiator off and then don't understand why my leg is so hot. I forget to turn the light off and don't know why it is so light at 4AM.  I forget…
But, I have found that if I concentrate on my feet, eventually  I can dance…and dance and dance…And if I am dancing then it doesn't really matter what other things I have forgotten.
Lately my Love and I have taken a turn and been making a concerted effort to enjoy ourselves –trying to enjoy our life together as a couple…sometimes just being is not enough…Sometimes just being is like forgetting ---and it just is not good enough.
These past two weeks in a row we've gone DANCING- but not just dancing. We've gone to parties for 'girls just like us.' And when I say, 'girls just like us' I am not just talking about lesbians, I am talking about us 'older' Lesbos…those of us who usually do spend our evenings sitting on the couch with a good book or more likely, good show or movie.
I love to dance…and I had almost forgotten how much I love to dance. I don't even need to drink to get warmed up…just put on some of that ''old time rock –n-roll'' and I am on my way to Lesbian euphoria. So when one of our friends called last week and asked if we were interested, I said sure…
And much to every one's surprise, no less my own surprise, my love and I actually got up OfftheCouch and went and danced the night away. Have you ever been to a dance with women and only women? Women who are so finally comfortable in their own skin…loving each other and themselves?…By the time you reach 45, or 50…I  can say this as I am finally reaching that point myself…comfortable in my own skin…and dancing with people of like mind as well as of like (as in, similar) body is pure pleasure…nothing to prove, no one to show off for, no one to show up or over…just dancing for the pure pleasure of celebrating life….
Dancing and loving are very much the same, except one I prefer in company and the other in private. One I can do with many and one with just my one Love…
My advice to all on these oh-so- cold, cold winter nights…after a week or so of cuddling on the couch and in bed – get up and DANCE….Just Dance.
So, what is it that I forgot? I forgot to Dance.

 

Sunday, December 23, 2012

The LesbosBuyaRadiator...

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

We needed a heater. Well, I don't know how much I need one, with the rate at which I am consumed by the Hot and Bitchies (my pet name for my Heat Flashes). But it is December and my Wife, she needed a heater.

Our houses are built to keep in the cool air…A good thing in a Mediterranean climate…but with the winter upon us – well, the house is just too cold to sit in during the day without a winter coat – which makes working on the computer – and doing anything else indoors, a bit of a challenge. So, after doing a wee bit of on line research, off we went to get a radiator.
Radiator…in my mind the word radiator conjures up all kinds of weird and fantasia-like images. I imagine an apartment in Brooklyn, with the radiator clanging as the heat is finally turned on. I imagine a beautiful old house in the city, with the radiator painted green to match the walls. My mind then wonders off to hearths, fireplaces and gas heaters and hot soup, deliciously made by my Wife's loving hands.

Now I am just hungry. And even a bit cold. What was I writing about? Oh, yeah, the radiator expedition. So we went out to do our morning errands. I couldn't find the number 2 on the ATM machine, so after 3 tries the machine 'swallowed' my card. Bon Appetite.  Apparently the ATM was thinking about something warm and tasty too, got hungry and greedily ate my card…
Back to the heater…My Wife and I go into the local electrical appliance shop. We say that we are looking for a radiator. The salesman says that they have only two brands; one, well-made (in theory…a theory which we intend to test) and a less expensive, not so good brand. We are surprised that in the middle of the winter they only have these two but after some discussion, we decide to splurge on the better seeming one of the two.

We go to pay. We've shopped in this store before, so the salesman says that they 'have us on record.' At least they say they do. They actually have my Wife on record -but with the wrong name, the wrong address and the wrong phone number…but who's to say that this is not really her anyway? After some convincing, the salesman's boss instructs him to change her details in the computer (for some reason, this was not part of the 'keep the customer happy' instruction that the salesman has obviously been to. How do I know he went to a 'keep the customer happy' course? Well, as we were paying, I notice two other brands of radiators. When I ask about these, the salesman replies that, "they don't really work, so I didn't tell you about them. They just run on air. "
I see, I say and then burst into hysterical fits of Hot and Bitchy laughter. My Wife asks the salesman, "If they don't work, why do you keep them in the store? "

"We have to. Somebody may want them anyway" he says…
I am giggly like a mad cow the whole way home.  And now for the soup…