Existential Pondering, a Lesbo's Life Perspective

LesbosOnTheCouchby Beth C, one of the Lesbos

Sometimes when I get home in the evening, all I can do is apologize. It begins with I am sorry  Love and goes on and on…I apologize for every little fart and wrinkle, every little look and grimace. I apologize for the air that I breathe and the food that I eat. I feel like I have no real right or reason to be.

Sad?  Yeah, sometimes really sad…But then I get home and she is waiting for me. She takes me in her arms and holds me tightly. She looks into my eyes and says, ''You can do it. You are worthy. I believe in you. You are wonderful."

I don't quite know why I am this way. I know that there is no reason in today …There is just now. There is just me and my own existence…. There is just 'we' and 'us.'

There have been many places in my life that I have called Home. As a child, it was my parents' house, my grandparents' home; later on, a college dorm room, an apartment shared with strangers, a whole kibbutz; later still, the home we raised our children in and then finally, the home my wife and I have shared – (I think we are up to 5 different addresses!)…My home has also been the communities that I have been blessed to be a part of – my temple, my town, my neighborhood, the group of Lesbos who never seem to be sitting on the couch…

I have had the privilege and the blessing to be a part of so much in my life. I've had much joy and loss as well…I have lived fully…and although I have no regrets, sometimes regret is part of the story. But the thing about regret – the past cannot be changed, and the future – well, the best we can do is think and feel and follow our own paths, wherever they may lead.

And then it seems that although the world has so much beauty and so much love – and I too have witnessed and taken part in all of these –yet, it is not enough…or it is way too much…I am feeling done…. just, done. …ready to sleep a long, long sleep. 

If I am lucky and the morning is shining bright and my love is snuggled up warm and close, I can wake to the day and say, Thank you for the moment, for the breath, for the light and the night, for the comfort and the way…