Feet For Moving on and Walking With...

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

Here we are…feet and all…feet and all…It is the time between our New Year and Yom Kippur…The day when the book is closed on the year to come…the tomorrows are sealed and what will be is already written.

And what is racing through my mind? –where does that ADHD brain of mine carry my thoughts?  I think of moving forward. I think of the year gone by and the year to come. It can actually all be the same. What happened yesterday and last month and what will happen tomorrow. It can be the same…life can be a circle whose perimeter we travel on round and round…We can choose that…there is life. There is death. There is life and there is death again and again and on and on forever…

This year, however, I chose differently. My life is a series of spirals. My life goes round, but it also goes up and down…and it loops off to here and curves off to there…I can't control what lies ahead. But I can choose the direction. I can chose my path…I can chose who I take along with me, who I invite and who I leave behind…

On these days – the Days of Awe, I have always found myself lost in the downward spiral of the past…I thought this year would be different. I spent this past year working to make this year be different---I had held onto my loss and pain and then buried myself in that pain some more ---And then I decided to change.  I have prayed and meditated and studied and focused and I pray and meditate and focus and on and on and on the circle's perimeter is so long…and yet…I thought this year would be different.

This year coming up is full of excitement. My eldest is getting married to the most wonderful woman…both of them are strong, smart and so in love…the excitement of their life is bubbling with light and life. My younger son is amazing and strong. My Love is my lover, my partner, my friend. She shares my life and I share hers…and together we live…I started my 6^th decade with a bang and blast.

This year is full of new life plans and new life waiting to be born. This year, the Days of Awe were to be different…and in a way, they are…Each year I fear this feeling of loss and being lost. This year I had a new belief…the belief, I have a choice.

I believe that I can choose what I let into my world – my heart, my soul…I can choose and I do choose. Every day I choose and make a choice…This choice takes me on the path of my life…I chose to dive deeper. I chose to dive deeper into the darkness of the sea...and now I choose to swim into the sun…I choose to walk with the one I love…I chose to walk on sandy beaches, in cool shady forests, down the empty street and through the crowded city. I choose to take my feet and walk on, eyes open, alert and present in today…I chose. And I am grateful – for the love I've been blessed with and the wise ones I choose to listen to and hear…and for the feet that carry me and my love – on our journey into this year and the next…

May we all have a year of peace, health and love.  May we all find the strength in our feet to carry us on through to the level…and may we all find those other feet – those of a friend, a partner, a love to walk beside us and share our tomorrows.

 

A Lesbo - or Just a Regular Person... Forgiveness...

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

Writing is a big deal for me… it has always defined who I am and what I am about…it is then so strange when I sit down and don't know what to say. I can always just write--- even here…blah blah blah…nothing that I have to say seems important right now.

I have been on this journey for a half a century. It has had every aspect of life included. I have loved, been loved, am loved, still love. I've given birth and raised 2 amazing children. I've moved countries, changed professions, have a tractor license, picked peppers and melons in the desert, lived in the desert, lived in the city, live in a small town, lived on kibbutz, was a member of kibbutz, sat on committees, made awful decisions and some good ones too. I've felt disappointed, let down and desolate, I've felt high and invincible and low and suicidal. I've trusted strangers more than I've trusted myself, I've been through terror and war, I've done all the daily regular life things – shopping, cooking, , keeping house. I was a good wife, I was a breadwinner, I have travelled a bit and been away on business…. I've been with loved ones dying and said goodbye, missed goodbyes. I've kept secrets. I've had secrets. I have prayed and I do pray, I've meditated, I've been healed and I've healed. I've been violated and been broken. I've become unbroken and dangled in between living and not…and sometimes I could not even tell the difference. I've felt loved, I've felt despised, I've been jealous, and been cheated…I've been cared for and I've cared for…

So now, I am here…New Year coming around the bend (Rosh Hashanah). This is a month of asking for forgiveness and forgiving. This is a month of letting go and moving forward. So here I am, sitting at my computer – writing…and trying to understand – another is about to begin…and 50 years of my time on this planet has passed. Have I made this world any better? Is anybody here today better off for my existence? Have I eased anyone's pain, made someone else feel safe and secure? Made someone happy? I know that I have lived most of my dreams…I have written my book and am hopeful that it will be published, either while I am still in this earth or after. I have no worldly possessions to speak of – no house or jewels to leave behind.

I pray and wish and hope and ask forgiveness of my children. These two are the only ones on this earth who truly have the right to sit in judgment of their mother. My most important job and mission on this planet was to ensure their safe passage into adulthood. I apologize to them for all of my shortcomings and for not providing them with an inheritance and for putting them in the midst of my uncertainties. I truly had them in mind first and foremost – even when I could no longer live the life I was living alone…

Sometimes I wake up and I think that I am done. It has been a great journey--- the stuff that books and stories – sad and triumphant -- are made of. I sometimes think that this is it…it is unnatural that we should live more. What could I possibly give and to whom? I am so tired most of the time. And then I look over at my Love as she sleeps…We are a team. I remain here with her…and I ask her forgiveness too…Forgive me for willing to go and leave you, the love of my life. I promise to work harder, to stay with you, so that together we can continue this blessed journey and see where it leads.

 

Fifty!!!!! And Still...A Lesbo but Where?

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

I can't believe it has been so long and I haven't been faithful to LesbosOnTheCouch…What was I thinking?

Well, to be fair – I have been busy.

In July I celebrated my Jubilee – yes indeed-a-rooby, I turned 50! I am fifty years old. I, a LesboOnTheCouch, am now a fifty year old, Jubilee, Lesbo…FIFTY…yep, that'd be me.

Well, let's see. What do I have to show for my 50 years on this planet…I want to take a half a wink to look back…

I have 2 amazing children. One is about to marry a beautiful, smart, warm and loving woman. I feel their blessedness every day. 

I have found my Love and she is a wonder and wonderful. We have a great life together. I truly don't know how or why she puts up with me…and at fifty, I can be quite a handful!

I have written some; and then written some more…and then some more again – maybe, one of these days a book will come to print and then I will feel my garble has come full circle.

I have my Spirit…I have my Soul…The Creator is with me and I am being guided on this Joy…I don't have a clue where… but I follow and my Soul wonders off and back- and the Spirit of All That Is brings me home daily…to my Love, to the Temple..

I have a job – a place of work – I earn and we live, together me and My Love, the LesbosOnTheCouch…together.

We have a roof over our heads- moved more times then I care to count –but we are home in each other's arms…And the Lord's Grace is our shelter and warmth…

We have friends…we have family…we have each other...we LIVE…We LOVE…

There is a flow. Lives begin and end. We are all included.

And here I am…once again I write…– LesboOnTheCouch

…I am, we are…

This is just a reminder for all of you but more for me – I am here. I am. Time is moving differently now…I am 50 years old now…and in another half century, a hundred years will have gone by and surely I will be gone too…but LesbosOnTheCouch – in fifty more years…LesbosInTheGrave…ooh,no better – LesbosFromTheGrave…oh yeah- that will be fun to write!

But for now- I am still here….Lesboing on the couch with my Love…at fifty.

Our Seven Chins (and it’s not because I’m a LesboOnTheCouch)

LesbosOnTheCouch
by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

Our Seven Chins (and it’s not because I’m a LesboOnTheCouch)

How many chins do you have? I have seven. Look at your feet.

I walk into the office…no, not the work office – another office I frequent…

“You smell nice.”

Really? Nobody ever says that to me…must be my hair.

“No, it’s something else…It smells like an essence or oil of some kind.”

Oh, it must be my chins. I say this pointing to my sandaled feet. My Love creams them every night so that they won’t be all dry and scratchy and painful for both of us…

“Your chins?...on your feet?”

Yeah.

Oh, I forgot again. We have different body parts then everybody else…

Look at my feet. Those things you call heels. Don’t they look like chins? And that body part you call elbows – elbow or arm chins. And at the bottom of the butt –butt chins…There you have it seven chins.

Well, what else is different about me, about us? My kid grew up with six pits. Everyone has arm pits…but we have more of those, too.

Son 1 came from school one day (I think he was in junior high school already)…a bit confused, amazed and maybe angry….”Mom! DO YOU KNOW THAT KNEES DO NOT HAVE PITS?! And neither do elbows….!” This he learned from his biology teacher….

Semantics my child – EVERYTHING is just words…

Some women have tits. I have BOOBS. We all have breasts. I love boobs and boobies- not such a fan of tits and titties…and breasts – well, if I am being all serious and technical and mature and artsy…breasts will do. But boobs and boobies are fun! They bounce and jiggle and dance! And one day they will touch my knees and maybe my toes when I can no longer bend to reach them myself.

And then there is the vagina…or if you are a New Yorker, you might say, virgina…but you’d be mistaken- for very many reasons…Personally, I have a twat. I learned about twats from an older friend long ago – when she was still alive and had one herself. Twats are also lots of fun and full of pleasure and wonder.

Then there is pussy…which reminds me of cats and something a little too sweet and soft and unpredictable, without strength and self determination.

Twats equal fun.

My Love sometimes says toota…and I think of something noisy and horn-like…which of course can happen…toot – a!

But my twat is warm and welcomes my Love…and brings me pleasure…And it too will eventually replace my slippers and be warm and fuzzy on my toes and foot chins in the winter.

Ok – so that about sums up my feminine parts…and by the way –

HAPPY GAY PRIDE PARADE, my Tel Aviv friends! Yeah for us…and yeah for the places that allows us the pleasure of being whom we are!

A Freakishly Short Update: The Move

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

A Freakishly  Short Update: The Move

The LesbosOnTheCouch –we've begun. The flight has been staged. In 2 days' time the truck will come and cart our belongings away to another house, yet, another new home.

The new home is smaller than this house. The new home is a bit short and shrunken…but, hopefully, our new home will be like my Freakishly short arms…sweet, warm and welcoming.

The new home is small…so small that we HAD TO SELL THE COUCH…Yep, we've sold THE COUCH…The original Lesbos' couch now sits humbly in the home of our hetero friends. Our Couch, the Lesbos_Couch is now home to the HeterosOnTheCouch. May they sit in peace.

More later…after the move…as we return to the next  LesbosOnTheCouch…in the new, short and shrunken but Freakishly  warm and welcoming arms of our new home…

FREEDOM!

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

And the spring holiday of Passover is almost over ---Passover, the holiday that symbolizes Freedom – Freedom…Freedom, something that we should all treasure and value…but Freedom is only truly valued when won.

I didn't always believe that. I didn't really think about it personally…but it is time to do that…to think, to contemplate…and to write and speak out…Freedom is a beautiful word. It is almost as wondrous as Love. Love is most appreciated when first found – This is something that many of us have been fortunate enough to experience…finding love…but Freedom…many of us have not had the experience of finding Freedom…a great many of us have had Freedom handed to us without ever having it…Maybe that is why so many of us don't appreciate the true meaning of the word Freedom…as defined by my Google search: The power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.

I have been lucky and blessed- my entire adult life I knew Freedom – I chose to move to Israel. I chose to marry and have children. I chose to divorce move on and accept my desire for women. And then I chose to accept and love and beyond - to marry My Love…The woman of my dreams, the woman of My Life…She chose me. I chose her…Our Freedom, our choice…We had the Freedom to choose to accept our Lesbianism and our love – and build our lives together. Freedom gave us the ability to be able to change our former state, our past and move into the life of our true selves.

True selves….this is another concept that is taken for granted by many people…but to reach our True selves, we must first know our Freedom – our Freedom to choose to be that True self.

So many people who live in a state of 'Freedom' may never really know their true selves. They may think that the way that they were raised; the way that they have been their 'whole' lives is their true self…-without ever looking into themselves, without allowing themselves to choose a direction or a path that will bring them to that inner place of peace.

Maybe I am just rambling senselessly – or maybe you get what I am trying to say…To choose to be able to be who we truly are…to do this, we need to both realize who it is we are and that we can change and be that person. This is true Freedom. This is the true gift. The gift of Freedom allows us to be who we are. The Gift to know and then be our True selves…This is Freedom. And this I have…and this I wish for all of you…

Happy Spring!

The Spiraling Lesbian - or I Have a Fever and What Does It Mean

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

So--- a fever…had one for 5 days… a bit high…just enough to make me think  I might be dying.  Ever since my best friend had  ''flu symptoms'' for a couple of weeks about 25 years ago and wound up dead from leukemia, I always find myself thinking that I must be dying when I have a fever for more than 24 hours.

This is not really as horrible as it sounds.  Allot of very positive thoughts can come to surface when you think you are going to die. They say that may people bargain with God when in this situation – but let's face it – I don't have any chips to trade.  First of all – any chips I do have are the Creator's already… (For the record, Creator is not my favorite word for God. In Hebrew, we say Borai Olam…Creator of the universe/world…this suits me better. Or in Hebrew I could say, The Light…and for some reason it doesn't sound so cheesy as in English – the Hebrew word being ''Or''… but I have gone off track, just a bit.)

And now I think of how many people, for their own good reasons are going think that it should never have been written. To these people, I can already say…if the good Lord has seen fit to get me out of bed at 3AM after having a miserable flu for a week, well…then clearly this is to be written…So I write.

So the good points of thinking I may be on the list of sooner rather than later to meet the Greatest Creator – our Creator, or Light…well, for one…I remember how many people I love and who I miss…I remember that if I should die, maybe, just maybe, I will get to feel their hugs, hear their laughter and breath their breath again, even if for only one short moment in between.

Another good point – I am not really afraid. Sad that I will miss my boys and my Love and those who I love and who love me…I will miss them, but, my experience has taught me that in a few years' time – just a blink of eternity…and my memory will become to them something pleasant and warm…for them to share with each other, maybe a grandchild or two…or keep to themselves as a smile on a rainy day.

Some people believe that in the next cycle, the next spiral or trip back to life we get to work on the things we did not finish ''right'' or ''well'' this time around…Well – while I stand by my story – "I did the best I could at the time" – I certainly made some dumbass mistakes (oh yes, hind sight is a bitch – but it is better late than never). So I pray that this theory hold enough merit for me to make it back here with enough stored inside my little head, to learn from these mistakes and not make them again….Maybe not only not make them again – but make things better for some of the souls that I hurt – in their next trip to this world or similar dimension.
Ahh…3:25AM….to post or not to post?  Coherent or not coherent?

Hoobly or not hoobly…and what about those ridiculous lives we all lead, believing we are so important? What about all those Facebook 'friends' in virtual nowhere, being supportive – agreeing or disagreeing…really? It is none of the above – but on Thee…That lets me know that I am alright. I am okay. I did my best. I do my best. I was. I am. I love my boys more than myself. I love My Love…as myself…I am a mom. I am a woman. I am a Lesbian. And in all of these, I find acceptance and Love in Borai Olam who made me as well…I am good enough for Her(or Him)…so I must be good enough for myself.

Please excuse any awful grammar ---now 3:34AM ----and I want to post.