The Spiraling Lesbian - or I Have a Fever and What Does It Mean

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

So--- a fever…had one for 5 days… a bit high…just enough to make me think  I might be dying.  Ever since my best friend had  ''flu symptoms'' for a couple of weeks about 25 years ago and wound up dead from leukemia, I always find myself thinking that I must be dying when I have a fever for more than 24 hours.

This is not really as horrible as it sounds.  Allot of very positive thoughts can come to surface when you think you are going to die. They say that may people bargain with God when in this situation – but let's face it – I don't have any chips to trade.  First of all – any chips I do have are the Creator's already… (For the record, Creator is not my favorite word for God. In Hebrew, we say Borai Olam…Creator of the universe/world…this suits me better. Or in Hebrew I could say, The Light…and for some reason it doesn't sound so cheesy as in English – the Hebrew word being ''Or''… but I have gone off track, just a bit.)

And now I think of how many people, for their own good reasons are going think that it should never have been written. To these people, I can already say…if the good Lord has seen fit to get me out of bed at 3AM after having a miserable flu for a week, well…then clearly this is to be written…So I write.

So the good points of thinking I may be on the list of sooner rather than later to meet the Greatest Creator – our Creator, or Light…well, for one…I remember how many people I love and who I miss…I remember that if I should die, maybe, just maybe, I will get to feel their hugs, hear their laughter and breath their breath again, even if for only one short moment in between.

Another good point – I am not really afraid. Sad that I will miss my boys and my Love and those who I love and who love me…I will miss them, but, my experience has taught me that in a few years' time – just a blink of eternity…and my memory will become to them something pleasant and warm…for them to share with each other, maybe a grandchild or two…or keep to themselves as a smile on a rainy day.

Some people believe that in the next cycle, the next spiral or trip back to life we get to work on the things we did not finish ''right'' or ''well'' this time around…Well – while I stand by my story – "I did the best I could at the time" – I certainly made some dumbass mistakes (oh yes, hind sight is a bitch – but it is better late than never). So I pray that this theory hold enough merit for me to make it back here with enough stored inside my little head, to learn from these mistakes and not make them again….Maybe not only not make them again – but make things better for some of the souls that I hurt – in their next trip to this world or similar dimension.
Ahh…3:25AM….to post or not to post?  Coherent or not coherent?

Hoobly or not hoobly…and what about those ridiculous lives we all lead, believing we are so important? What about all those Facebook 'friends' in virtual nowhere, being supportive – agreeing or disagreeing…really? It is none of the above – but on Thee…That lets me know that I am alright. I am okay. I did my best. I do my best. I was. I am. I love my boys more than myself. I love My Love…as myself…I am a mom. I am a woman. I am a Lesbian. And in all of these, I find acceptance and Love in Borai Olam who made me as well…I am good enough for Her(or Him)…so I must be good enough for myself.

Please excuse any awful grammar ---now 3:34AM ----and I want to post.

Short and Sweet -

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

The day begins and I am sitting at my computer, waiting for the inspiration – waiting for the spirit to take me- waiting for the words to start to flow…waiting, waiting, waiting…maybe that's not the way to go…

So I begin to write – my fingers are click, click, clicking on the computer…I love the sound, I love the way it feels as my fingers hit the keys…it is for me like a symphony…each key a different letter into another word then sentence…finally a paragraph and then a whole page.

The days have been full, the nights even fuller. My Love is back and with her the fullness of everything that lives around us. The garden – suddenly we have flowers in the house again, and food cooking on the stove and in the oven…suddenly the bed is not a quiet noiseless and dark place but a place of laughter joy and tears…She is home and with her the life is here.

We spend our days working and dreaming of respite. The time we get back to each other and our own little world of love and laughter – lots of laughter and more tears. When I was alone, my life was more one two one two…wake up, go to work, come home….the emotion was singular and in a stream of one, one, one…

Now, we are back to the boobies and the short arms and the noses and the hair…perfume and flowers and blue hair…holidays are real and time is filled with motion and movement and thoughts and going and coming and all together now family and love and pain all together and talking and sitting and action…and I gotta go here and meet you there.

You are home now and life is full again with so many words and everything…

We talk into the night…I can barely keep my eyes open…I snort and you giggle, time to sleep… we've been talking into the night forever – for many lifetimes of which this is one. We have made love for centuries of which this is one night. We have been together so long – sometimes being a part just reminds us to come back home.

I am so glad that you are home!

Grateful - and a Lesbian Too

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

Love…love is a really big word. It should not be taken lightly…

My Love has been away for about a month…a trip to regenerate her soul, to find some cold and fresh air – to be physically in a different place.

My Love is coming back tomorrow. I love my love. I do not take this love lightly – but this love feels light. This love feels like that white bright life that gives us live.

I know that this is my day to write my blog – sometimes it is filled with sorrow, sometimes with silliness, sometimes with great sadness. Today I am just grateful. My Love is coming home. My Love has chosen to come home to be with me. She chooses me as I choose her…every day, every night.

Everything is a choice. Every day we make choices. We get up and go to work – that is a choice. We eat breakfast, grab a coffee and go. This is a choice. We speak …not only is speaking a choice- but having others in our lives, to listen to us, this is a choice as well.

Some of us chose to strip at the Dead Sea. Some of choose to stand in protest. Some of us choose to eat. Some of us choose to fight. Some of us choose to go to bed, to avoid a life. Some of us choose to wake and live each day…Some of us choose to love and some of us 'fall in love'…but the fact is, it is all a choice.

Every day, everything that I do or do not do, is a choice.

Everything we do is here and now. Everything that was, is now in the past, it is past. We can choose our present, we cannot choose our past….

I wake every day and make a conscious effort – I make the choice… every breath, every step, every minute, I make the choice to choose the present. This is so difficult…I often find myself caught up in a tidal wave of yesterday. I then feel lost and desolate and shamed. In these times, I choose to reach out to those whose hands and hearts are strong and sure and can lead me out of the water onto the shore. I am so lucky and so grateful to have these people in my life…

Today, I am very grateful for the choice that My Love has made – to come back home to me. I am grateful for the Love that has been given and I am grateful for the Blessings I have received ---the Blessings that I have received as a LesbianOnTheCouch, in a world where my past could have drowned me, had I been alone.

Today…I am grateful…to be this person, to be this woman, to be this Lesbian, to be this Loved, to be this Believer…to have my God.