LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos
So it begins…the words begin to spin in my head---conversations with those I've loved, those I miss, those I've lost touch with…conversations with the past…
I suppose that today this is more prominent then usual… here it is, I am now officially in the last year of my 4th decade- yes, I am now forty-nine years old…Forty-nine years old! What does that mean anyway? I actually do feel like I've lived forty-nine years…I remember being a child, helpless and fidgety. I remember being a preteen and a teenager – uncomfortable in my own skin and not at all sure what I was. Forty- nine years of life…that's quite a long look back. ..And for someone as near sighted as me, this is quite a feat. I can barely see the person sitting on the train next to me, let alone all of those who have affected my life for better or for worse for the past decades.
There are those whose memories are with me daily. Those whose voices are the voices that guide my life – my aunt Ellen, my Therapist, my dead friends, my living ones, my rabbi and of course my love who manages to stick around and not get overwhelmed or overburdened or just plain fried from my crazy.
Just today my dead aunt told me that I am strong and she is sure that I am doing the right thing…And my therapist, she's always proud of me ( in my head) just for getting out of bed every day and going to work….
I have been having a harder time than usual – but I am reminded by more than one of those voices that my birthday is approaching…The birthday of my childhood was never much of a celebration. I mostly remember a sick feeling of dread…but since my thirtieth, I have learned to take matters into my own hands – a day off from work, a friend to take me to lunch and a present from me to me.
One of the best presents that I ever received was something that my uncle taught me, one of the most important Life lessons, if not the most important one. He said to me, quite simply, this is not a dress rehearsal. This life that you are living now is the life that you have been given. It is now. This is it. This is not a dress rehearsal.
Life is not a dress rehearsal. It is taking place right now. Well, right now I want to do it. Right now I want to talk to my love. Right now I want to be with my son, make him dinner and hear about his day. Right now I want to ride my bike, I want to dance, I want to write. Right now I want to pray, I want to help and right now I want to be a part of the world….
Because if I am not going to do these things right now, then I just want to sleep and wake up when it's all over…
Ok…I need to be quiet now and write more later…
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