LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos
So, here I sit, at my computer, writing my blog – glasses less- Yes I did it – The big laser releasing glasses from the eyeballs surgery….Wahoo and yahoo and yeeehaaaaa!
Seriously, that is how I feel. I wake up in the morning, roll over and see the clock on the wall, the trees outside my window and my love clicking away on the computer…But my patient readers, I ask you to humor me – and maybe yourselves and let me begin at the begining …
I have been wearing glasses since the 3rd grade and probably didn't see very much before that…they weren't too quick and observant of such needs back in the 60's…so I walked into a few walls, never saw a star and didn't recognize anyone on the street – It was New York, kinda…The first real tell it all sign was when I walked in the corner of a bulletin board at school and with blood gushing down my face and my teacher screaming at me for not paying attention to where I was walking (?)Duh, what bulletin board? It must of occurred to somebody that maybe I was having just a bit of a problem seeing where I was going and didn't actually see the bulletin board as it was sitting so close to the wall, it just was actually the wall in my vision!
Anyway, Now MY FACE is NAKED!!! Truly NAKED, NUDE and BARE... I am bare faced…or is that bearfaced?
It all started when I realized that I couldn't read without putting the book up to my nose…and writing – well, let's just say that a candle wouldn't have been much help to me in the dark. And those damn multifocal lenses…I could get them for the price of a kidney or two…
So off we go to get my eyes examined…and what do ya know, the doc says that I am a 'candidate' for surgery (the Presidency, I understand is out) …So, it's off to set the appointment…
No makeup for a month…(HEHEH..does she not see me, I am sitting in from of her, maybe she needs the surgery)
No perfume…. (No smelling pretty, mmmm…good)
No swimming for at least 6 weeks. (Wait, is she talking to me?)
No going to the gym for two weeks (Let's not even go there!)
No this, no that….
And then…No washing your hair for 5 days… (I looked at my Love and said, "Eeeeeeuw NO WAY!….FORGET IT!")
Obviously she convinced me other wise and the appointment was made…Thursday at 5PM… And we are there…Yes we are –THERE.
They call me in to be prepped…I sign the consent form...I sit wriggling in my seat, they give me a sedative, put a cap and gown on me – As if I'm graduating in to some higher level of something…Beth Cohen, BS in glassless…
And then I am still wriggling in my seat, the nurses and doctors confer-I think they are giggling and whispering about me, I can't see, they've already taken my glasses, they are wearing surgical masks and pill one is beginning to take effect. I suffer from anxiety attacks, so they give me another bigger and better pill…weeeheee, I am singing and dancing and rocking to the music ( in my head ), play that funky music white boy….play that funky music till you die, till you die…oh.
The doctor comes out with his mask on and I hear, "So you wawawawawa wawawa? And you agree to wawawa? Whaaaa whhaaa? What's the matter with whaaahwhaaa.Waahaaaawahhh?"
HUH?
"So you wawawawawa wawawa? And agree to wawawa?"
OMG---they want to cut my eyeballs out and give it to the guy before me?!!!! I run for the door to the waiting room as the surgical team chases after me in their lovely flowing green gowns and I burst out –"LLLL, come quick, they wanna give my eyeballs away…they want to do an apendectemywwaaaa instead…they…. they……blaaaahhh bllaaaah ooops, don't trip too late, ….Did I agree to that?"
"What? Shhh baby, it's alright, I am here."
Turns out that they just needed my consent to start the procedure and wanted to make sure that I hadn't changed my mind…Well, maybe, just maybe, that was a conversation we should have had before they gave me all of the CALMING pills!
So they lead me into the room and put me on the bed. I am only slightly agitated, so the nurse sits down to hold my hand, which I promptly crush as if it's an empty soda can, or a really written terrible poem I decide to chuck---or as if I've just started to realize that they are about to laser my eyeballs!
So, here I am lying on the table for the world's longest 10 minutes in the world. The nurse leaves, apparently I've crippled her for life and she is now looking for a job as a sales person for prosthetics.
This is really bad for me because I feel a flailing coming on…Yes, I not only have a flailing mouth and incessant noisemaker, -I am an appendage flailler. ..it is quite obvious to me, even with all the drugs that flailing at this moment is a VERY, VERY Bad Idea. So, to make up for my 'loss of nurse hands to squeeze to death', I stuff my hands in my pockets and start singing…It really could have been anything – but I believe it was some way down Moses type song…. My doctors, as intelligent as they are, couldn't quite understand what I was doing. Apparently in the 10,000 plus such procedures that they had performed, nobody ever sang. Oh well…I guess, I taught them something!
And we are done! (And just for the record, it did not hurt…) I get my plastic bug eyes put on and my Love gets instructions for putting drops in my eyes and other stuff which I really just couldn't understand…I was too busy looking around through the bug eyes AMAZED! Even with the plastic bug eyes, I COULD ACTUALLY SEE!
Well yes, I can see…but let's face it. I am still me. I can see…as my lunch drops onto my shirt and into the space between my shirt and my boobs. I see as my beer runs down off my chin…I see the crumbs falling onto the floor… I see these things…but they still happen. I still happen.
The other day I was eating a lovely colorful salad that my Love had prepared for my lunch. I could actually see the vegetables and the nuts and the cheese. I also watched as they fell into their spot in my bra. My colleagues laughed as I pulled the sprouts out.
When I got home from work that evening, we ran off to a party…and came home rather late. I stripped down and got into the shower, admiring the shower tiles and my toes, still a new experience for the eyeglassless me.
When I came out, my Love was shrieking, she thought there was a cockroach on the floor…I calmly bent down and picked it up. No cockroach, just a booby nut from lunch, released from the confines of my boob and bra.
this was fun to read - i could really identify - having been w/ glasses since about the same age! it must be a strange experience to see w/o specs. and the description of the medical staff was so funny - i think if you translated and passed it on to a nursing school - the student nurses would not only learn something - but also enjoy themselves in the process (i do not delude myself into thinking that med schools in israel would even bother...)
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