Self realization -Really?

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

“Write with your non dominant hand ten things that you are thankful for.” This was an exercise given to me by my acupuncturist, trying to help, me deal with a deep back pain that we decided was connected to stress…imagines that – stress!!! Who could possibly be so stressed that her back just decides not to cooperate with living for an entire week? Absurd! What on earth do I – or anybody else for that matter have to be stressed about?  Somehow we came to the idea that this stress is connected to my self realization. How is this even possible – or sensible? I am, after all, forty nine years old. Could I still not be self realized? If I am not self realized now, when exactly is this going to happen?

Of course I am self realized! I am here aren’t I? I’ve got this pen in my hand and I’m writing aren’t I? (And yes, I still write with an actual pen, or even a p e n c i l, on paper!!) I am married to the Woman of my dreams. I write whenever I get a few minutes away from the job that pays the rent. I read. I laugh allot with my love and with my friends. I eat. I sleep. I pray. I pray allot. I laugh allot, too. I’d say I’m pretty self realized. Wouldn’t you?

Well, then why am I so afraid? Why does this panic grab me in the chest and squeeze me so hard –straight through to my spine- I can barely breathe? Why does this panic seize my muscles and freeze me into an ice cube so hard and stiff that if dropped, I’d shatter into a million pieces before melting into a puddle, barely noticed on the floor, to be wiped up and tossed away?

And if I am not realized now, when will I be? If the past years are any indication of the speed of time, then the next bunch of years will definitely pass too quickly to realize anything else at all, let alone my self.

Will I get to know my grand children? Will my children return to me? Will that be the sign of my self realization, when my offspring realize me? Or, will I be self realized when I am lying in the ground, covered with sand and dirt and rock, one with the earth? I think that is when it will take place, my self realization….one with the earth, one with my maker, one with The Maker….Self realization me as part of The Whole.

So, forgive me, I am rambling, yet again…I am going to do it… The exercise….Ten things that I am thankful for, written with my non dominant hand…

1. I am thankful for the love I have received.
2. I am thankful for the love I receive now.
3. I am thankful for healthy children.
4. I am thankful for my Love.
5. I am thankful for the Creator whose sun warms my body.
6. I am thankful for the laughter.
7. I am thankful for the crazy.
8. I am thankful for the breeze in this hot summer.
9. I am thankful for the sleep that gives my mind the much needed rest from my crazy.
10. Beer. I am thankful for my beer.