LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos
Writing is a big deal for me… it has always defined who I am and what I am about…it is then so strange when I sit down and don't know what to say. I can always just write--- even here…blah blah blah…nothing that I have to say seems important right now.
I have been on this journey for a half a century. It has had every aspect of life included. I have loved, been loved, am loved, still love. I've given birth and raised 2 amazing children. I've moved countries, changed professions, have a tractor license, picked peppers and melons in the desert, lived in the desert, lived in the city, live in a small town, lived on kibbutz, was a member of kibbutz, sat on committees, made awful decisions and some good ones too. I've felt disappointed, let down and desolate, I've felt high and invincible and low and suicidal. I've trusted strangers more than I've trusted myself, I've been through terror and war, I've done all the daily regular life things – shopping, cooking, , keeping house. I was a good wife, I was a breadwinner, I have travelled a bit and been away on business…. I've been with loved ones dying and said goodbye, missed goodbyes. I've kept secrets. I've had secrets. I have prayed and I do pray, I've meditated, I've been healed and I've healed. I've been violated and been broken. I've become unbroken and dangled in between living and not…and sometimes I could not even tell the difference. I've felt loved, I've felt despised, I've been jealous, and been cheated…I've been cared for and I've cared for…
So now, I am here…New Year coming around the bend (Rosh Hashanah). This is a month of asking for forgiveness and forgiving. This is a month of letting go and moving forward. So here I am, sitting at my computer – writing…and trying to understand – another is about to begin…and 50 years of my time on this planet has passed. Have I made this world any better? Is anybody here today better off for my existence? Have I eased anyone's pain, made someone else feel safe and secure? Made someone happy? I know that I have lived most of my dreams…I have written my book and am hopeful that it will be published, either while I am still in this earth or after. I have no worldly possessions to speak of – no house or jewels to leave behind.
I pray and wish and hope and ask forgiveness of my children. These two are the only ones on this earth who truly have the right to sit in judgment of their mother. My most important job and mission on this planet was to ensure their safe passage into adulthood. I apologize to them for all of my shortcomings and for not providing them with an inheritance and for putting them in the midst of my uncertainties. I truly had them in mind first and foremost – even when I could no longer live the life I was living alone…
Sometimes I wake up and I think that I am done. It has been a great journey--- the stuff that books and stories – sad and triumphant -- are made of. I sometimes think that this is it…it is unnatural that we should live more. What could I possibly give and to whom? I am so tired most of the time. And then I look over at my Love as she sleeps…We are a team. I remain here with her…and I ask her forgiveness too…Forgive me for willing to go and leave you, the love of my life. I promise to work harder, to stay with you, so that together we can continue this blessed journey and see where it leads.
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