LesbosOnTheCouch -and I AM BACK

Hello all of my faithful LesbosOnTheCouch readers. I know that I haven’t exactly been writing quite what you had expected…Truly, I know that my family crisis’ and such aren’t exactly what you’d expect from LesbosOnTheCouch – but the fact of the matter is that we all experience these things- whether or not we are On The Couch. Yes, sickness and death and family crazy come even to those of us who sit On The Couch, even if we think that couch is so far removed and distant from said family. The truth is, it all finds you. It all just sneaks up and tries, without even knowing, to sit right down On The Couch, too.

Well, I am back –and yes, I am still haunted by the crazy – No, I don’t think I’ll ever get the voice of my mother at my aunt’s funeral out of my head, Who wants a lollipop? (REALLY)- Or my childhood glee at being told by my uncle that I can have all of the shoes in my aunt’s closet. (Again, REALLY) and on both accounts, it seemed perfectly normal at the time. –Or watching Jeopardy every night no matter who was in what hospital or hospice, receiving morphine, breathing her last breath, or dying alone.

So, here I am at 6 AM on Saturday morning, writing and thinking…so I am back –so what. What should I say –how I missed my love so much could no longer think straight (okay, now I am just being silly – ‘think straight’; I never think straight….)…

Maybe I should write about how sweet the spring and summer smell from my bedroom window, how lying in my love’s arms is the only place I want to be… about how lucky we are to have each other and how sad it is that some of us don’t even have that. Maybe I should tell you that chocolate ice cream really can make bearable most all pain – and if it doesn’t- then add a good shot of brandy and you won’t even remember what it is you were feeling miserable about in the first place (unless of course the next day you have to wake up and attend a funeral).

I could tell you all, I should’ve flown back earlier, I could’ve been there with her, I would’ve been a better person had I gotten there on time and follow this with,  If only I was there, if only I had stayed…if only…

I could tell you all of these things. These are what I try not to hear myself say when my mind and my heart converse at night. But really – what would that do for you –or me?…

Instead, I will honor her memory once more. Since my aunt was a teacher, I will take this to be her final lessons –some of the many lessons that she so generously shared with me throughout her life.

And the final lessons –ENJOY, LOVE and LIVE your life, each day as if it could be your last (because it could). Take all of the ‘could’ve, should’ve and would’ve’ out of your vocabulary and simply be in the moment, with your love, with your loved ones –friends or family, with your dog and with your ice cream. Smell the spring even if you’re sneezing and wheezing like crazy, eyes watering and nose running…just be.

She did.

For Ellen

LesbosOnTheCouch by Beth C, one of the Lesbos

I get off the plane – but it’s too late.

She was my aunt. She was my friend. She was my big sister and my confidant. For years we’d speak two or three times a week. She listened to me, she counseled me. She usually knew what to do and if she didn’t – she could comfort me and lend me her belief in me that I would find the way. When I told her about my new love and my decision to be the person that writes this blog – a lesbo on the couch – she accepted. Without question she accepted the woman of my dreams. When there was war and my child was thus engaged, my aunt would call me -and ask -and listen. She never pretended to be something she wasn’t. She never asked why I chose the paths I’ve chosen.

My boys knew her as my aunt and theirs. She never forgot a birthday, an anniversary a holiday. When I got here, at her house… going through her files, her possessions -I found her secret. Lists and notes and files – everything written down and meticulously documented. Every  happy occurrence and bit of news. When I started my new job, the time and place recorded. How I felt when I saw these things can only be explained as pure joy – simply and completely loved. Here was this person, my aunt, and me and mine – so important to her that all we’d done recorded and documented in such detail.

And when I found my poems – all of them from high school and beyond, the cards, the drawings and trinkets sent from far off and nearby – she kept them all. All the stuff from her grand nephews – every picture they ever made, every gesture they every sent. She kept it all…and all I could think was that I regret not sending more. She treasured us so much…so she said – and now I know.

I love my aunt Ellen and she loved me. I am lucky to have had her in my life. I am lucky she took me into her heart. I am blessed to have had her these past 49 years. The world was blessed to have had her 64 years. I miss her already. I will miss her always.