Ever since I 'became a lesbian' I hear things differently.
Words that I've heard all my life have a completely different meaning…
I now have a wife. I have a life.
Here I sit blogging my life onto or into space...I am a dreamer, dreaming about watermelons and flowers…dreaming of my children and my life. Work, writing, gardening, being skinny – or maybe just not fat!
I dream different dreams. I am allowed to now - I am a lesbian. I think my grandma would whisper…’lesbian’….much the same why she whispered, ‘jail.’
But she would love me. She always loved me.
I have children, two of my own boys and two of my wife’s.
I hope that through this blog and through my incessant blabbing away you will get to know me – even just a bit. You see, I was just like all the rest of you. I used to sit on the couch alone. I used to be alone. Now I am not. But the price has been great and I am still paying.
You see, to be a LesboOnTheCouch, you must give up a certain amount of who you are – people do wonder and, although they don’t really stare – they ask…How long have you been…? As if it’s some disease I’ve recently been tested…When did you first find out...? As if it is a condition that has just magically appeared.
I think it needs to be said – that today it is much easier to be a LesboOnTheCouch then it was 20 years ago. Twenty years ago, I wanted to have a family, to have kids…and there was only one way to do that. Sure, you’ll say that some people did come out and do it other ways. I applaud and respect those people above all…Twenty years ago; I was still hiding from myself. I was barely aware of my own unique existence, barely aware…
I envy those around me who had the depth and perception to know. Maybe had I known, there would’ve been less pain along the way…But we can’t go back in time. We are where we are…and we can only do the best we can from here.
I am trying…We are trying…and along the way, we say, ‘Blesbifather, for I have sinned.’
